OPEN LETTER 2013

You know by now my post titles are always emmmmmmmmm lets say unparalleled. This particular one was inspired by Jay-Z ‘s song, not what your’e thinking. I’d rather ignore that one.

Anyways, WOW!!! It’s New Year ’s Eve already. For me I must say it’s been a bumpy ride. I wasn’t on blogsville at the beginning of the year. Just been on a few months and it’s been a wonderful ride. This place is a beautiful world with so many beautiful people who have encouraged and inspired me. God bless you all.

So much love around here and so little beef (Or maybe I haven’t seen because I’m still a JAMBITE). All the same it’s been some year.

In 2013 I had major financial issues especially before I changed jobs. I was just always broke.

In 2013 I went through a massive breakup. I was totally stupid and for the first two months after it happened I did not cry or feel sad. I blocked it out completely cos there were so many parts I regret. As soon as I log on to facebook and see his update, I’ll just scroll past like nothing was wrong.

Took me 9 weeks to finally admit it was over (or perhaps never even really started) and then I went on to stalk him on social media like a high school girl(so my friend told me oh) abi do adults do the stalking thing ?

Thank God for a friend who equally went through worse (actually broke up weeks before weddin after very many years). Made me realize sometimes when we go through stuff, God expects us to help people with our experiences and strengthen them. I know it’s hard sometimes to share all that personal stuff but you will find out some have it worse and need the little encouragement you can give. Or have it less worse but have been magnifying it in their minds and drowning in self pity. By the time my friend was done talking to me based on what she had gone through, I started to feel better, even stupid. Her weddin was just weeks away and she had to cancel stuff and answer all kinds of questions. So what did I go through that I was acting like the heavens would come crashing down? Also within a year after that she met and married someone else.

Tough times don’t last. Tough people do.

I achieved a major educational milestone. It was just God.

I changed jobs. That was God too. My old job was so frustrating. People constantly shouted at me on the phone. I swear it’s hard to keep customers and clients happy. People are so difficult to deal with. This actually got me closer to God. Forget all the man troubles. The job thing was my major prayer point. I just kept crying inside.

I never had free time. My phone would ring at odd hours with customers needing attention like I’m their maid. To go for lunch sef na die. But God showed up. The only one day I got a break I read the office newspaper and found the opening. Applied on my phone. Boss travelled next day and so I went for interview and just got it. This is just a summary oh. The real story is more dramatic. But yes I’m full of thanks. Oh for a thousand tongues to sing ………….

I got closer to God. I have always yearned for this. Was always too lazy. Fasting seemed impossible. I also couldn’t pray for more than five minutes at a go. This year I prayed and fasted till my job came. Yes, no fronting. Troubles pushed me to God. I have also started reading my bible extensively. I didn’t finish it. Matter of fact I’m around halfway(Job 5 for Old testament and Acts 11 for New Testament). Still I’m grateful for his grace despite my unfaithfulness. I will get there. Filthy me, who am I?

Lost a sweetheart from way back in school also. Gentle babe. Spirit filled. One of those people so good they made you feel inadequate. Yet very humble. Died having her first child. Really sad.

I grew stronger and learnt to ignore bad belle. Everyone needs this. I used to buy size 6 clothes and still adjust with the tailor. Everyone would make funny remarks and call me names. Now I am a size 10 bursting out. Same people are telling me how fat I am. To be fair I didn’t like being a 6 cos some clothes were wearing me instead of the other way round so it was easy for them to prey on my insecurities. Now I love being a 10 and I would behave myself and stay this way but No ! I would not lose a gram for anyone. I look in the mirror and I like what I see. Badonkadonks lookin nice in jeans or bodycon dresses. Make up your mind about yourself. Even if you need to add or lose weight, don’t allow anyone rub it in for you. When it comes to your body listen only to yourself. The song that always works in this situation is Follow your Arrow by Kacey Musgraves. Trust me it’s a good one!!! Learn to sing it. Or paste the lyrics on your room wall.

In this New Year, I hope to get even closer to God. I have a feeling there have been many times he tried to pass a message to me and I somehow was just not settled enough to listen. I also plan to do something new. Something significant. Dasall. No long story. Oh and also I will not watch Miley Cyrus ‘Adore you’ . Heard too much about it already.

Post getting too lengthy. To everyone reading this:

It is well with you

You and your loved ones will not cry in this coming year

Next year will end with you alive

May you find love happiness and cheer

The Lord shall make his face shine upon you

You shall live in abundance and

The God of all peace shall give you peace everyday and in every way. Unquestionable, incomprehensible peace. That you will bask in regardless of whatever goes on around you.

Oh before I go here are my top 20 most played songs this year (in no particular order).

1.     Ghost Mode – Phyno & Olamide

2.    All of me – John Legend

3.    Royals – Lorde

4.    Blurred lines – Robin Thicke (just always gets me moving)

5.    Jaiye jaiye – Wizkid

6.    Thrift shop – Macklemoore(for the concept and lyrics. He had the guts to break out without singing about drugs and fast cars. Also he appealed to that cheap or if you like prudent/parsimonious part of most of us we all try to hide).

7.    The Kick - Wande Coal (I always turn up the volume when this song starts)

8.    Let her Go – Passenger

9.    Don’t you worry child – Swedish House Mafia

10. Summertime Sadness – Lana Del Rey

11.  Eminado – Tiwa Savage

12.  Mamas broken heart – Miranda Lambert

13.  Done – The band Perry

14. When I was your man – Bruno Mars (used to imagine my ex singing it to me in ten years after I’m married to a billionaire with two cute kids).

15.  Cups (when I’m gone) – Anna Kendrick (this one I imagined singing to him)

16.  Pullover – Kcee ft Wizkid (lasted two weeks but those two weeks eh?)

17.  I drive your truck – Lee Brice

18.  Limpopo – Kcee

19.  More of you – Anita Wilson

And finallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

20. ADA ADAAAAAAAA OOOOOOOOOO Pekem pekem iya iya pekem ………………..

Happy New Year in advance!!!!!! I lourrvvvvvvvvveeeeeeee you all!!!!!

E DEY PAIN ME #justiceforalice

Hello everyone,

I know I seem to be late on this matter but better late than never. How was Christmas ? Had malaria and a sore throat so I couldn't bring myself to type a proper post.

In case you do not understand my topic, I'ma explain it to you.

E DEY PAIN ME is self explanatory.

The hashtag on the other hand is something that we are getting to trend. In summary it is about a 34 year old Nigerian woman, Alexandra Ossai was until about two weeks ago a supervisor with a certain Toppan Company on a monthly salary of N17,000.00 or if you like $106 !!!! She worked hard, six days a week.

Her Lebanese boss, Kaveh Noine (as the story goes) saw a container on the floor and hit her in the chest for negligence and proceeded to attempt to fire her but later said it was her last warning.

The next day he said she looked like a mad woman and beat her up, including a hard kick in the tummy, thus killing her seven month old pregnancy and resulting in other health complications that she had to undergo emergency surgery to save her life.

If you have not seen this hashtag on twitter, you have been sleeping on a bicycle. Police said the matter wasn't reported early enough *rolling eyes* and the boss in question is now at large.

By 9am today, there will be a peaceful protest at the company.I swear I'd be there if I wasn't stuck at work but I'm following the story as much as I can.

The company is on Ladipo Oluwole Street in Ikeja Industrial Estate off Oba Akran. You guys know that street na, where all the Lebanese and Indian companies are and their unskilled workers roll out en masse during rush hour, looking all shades of scruffy.

These things where people get killed, maimed and lose parts of their bodies for no reason need to stop. If you can't join the protest, do something : pray for those protesting, pray for the woman concerned, pray for her family that they bear the loss well, pray she gets strong soon, pray she gets a better job, pray for justice, find the hashtag and retweet, report if you have connections, reblog this or do a post your own way.

Just do something !!!!

Much love.

BREAK IN TRANSMISSION

Hello loves,

I totally apologise for the break oh, I haven't even been reading any blogs.

I tell you work is so cray cray right now, I'm not even talking about the volume, I can totally live with that mehn but the look in boss eyes each day gets scarier and scarier.

I feel like I'll be getting a dismissal letter for a new year's gift. I pray it doesn't happen oh but honestly I'm just scared and  confused at work.

We're not having any christmas party or bonuses(nothing at all). We only get the 25th and 26th off and work is still as busy as ever. There's only one sad excuse for a tree at the reception. That's the only sign of the holidays around here.

I pray so hard every day that work goes well and I don't have any issues. So much drama around me. God dey sha.

Even scared of posting all the drama before my boss finds it.

I will anyways jor seeing as I have started applying for new jobs or maybe when I get a new one ........................................ still deliberating.

 My laptop and blackberry are spoilt and works so busy. When i get home, I'm tired and too lazy to type a whole post on touchscreen with the only sensible device left. I just love keypads abeg, call me whatever.

I'll do my best, I love you all, lemme do some blog rounds.

Merry Christmas darlings,

xoxo.

CAN'T KEEP LEGS CLOSED ?

Hahahahahaha hehehehe hohohohoho you guys are just horrible. So you wee stee read dis one. Issorai !

 I’m just laughing as I’m typing this post. I see it being my most viewed post with this title . Someborri shout Hallelujah !!!

Ok it’s very obvious I don’t have anytin to blog about but as a sharp Lagos geh, I go ruff am. At all at all na im bad pass.

I have to warn you though. This is the silliest post eva. My way of passing the remaining thirteen or so minutes before closing. Also I may be tipsy (shhhhh boss is coming)

So I recently read that somewhere in Mexico, a 25 year old babe (dat shoulda been young and sharp oh), has been dating a 40 year old farmer. Every morning before going to his farm, for fear that she would cheat, he would put this makeshift chastity belt/padlock on her and go out. This had been going on for 12 years. Yes oh! Since she was 13. Until sometime in September when she was in so much pain and could not use the toilet but was still too afraid to cut her pants open. Dat was wen d mumu went to report to the authorities. (May God not give us slow sheedren). They found the man and he gladly brandished the keys in the face of the policemen (okay that brandishing part was for effect).

As expected she refused to press charges and they went back home to live happily ever after.  He promised not to do it again. When I read that part I jus yimud mehn. Yes,  to yimu is a verb

I yimu

You yimu

He/She yimus

We yim(note that the u is silent here ) lol

They yim etc etc

Sorry I digress. This is not a french class. But how did this happen? Is this how she has only been going to the ladies only morning and night for the past twelve years? What kind of life is that? Where were her parents? Why didn’t it look odd to her? Why did she have a 28 year old boyfriend when she was 13? Didn’t anyone notice? Does she not have friends or siblings ? Or is it that she has and they are all locked up in similar belts ? Why hasn’t the man married her after twelve years? No engagement ring sef . Ah ah!!! Some people will roast in hell oh. That Agbaya.

Anyway after reading that, I started to read about all them medieval times, what chastity belts looked like and how they worked  (Although I think the one in this particular case was just a padlock he used to lock the chickens on his farm but you get my drift sha )

Aside the fact that they were made of heavy metal they are actually cute and of course useful. If you use one, you go no say notin notin. You needn’t bother about the extra expenses of having him/her followed or the stress of looking through his/ her messages or the fear of jazz backfiring if you decide instead to visit a babalawo. Therefore I am working on having some made. In these days of modernity, social media, career women and travelling men, what better way to secure your love interest and not watch someborri come and eat your investment.

These ones will be cute and simple. Made of some special kind of plastic but the locks will be extra strong. Trust me they won’t be uncomfortable and there will still be allowance for you to do your business if you have to. I am also thinking of making them in colours and flavours.

If you are still reading this rubbish by this time, you probably need one.

If :

1.       You are insecure about your significant other or even yourself(ie you are eyeing someone else)

2.       You are in a LDR (including where one person lives on the Island and the other on the mainland)

3.       On a scale of 1 to 10 either of you is at least a 4 (belt should be bought for said 4)

4.       You argue more than once quarterly

5.       You do not make the same salary

6.       Your partner’s parents do not seem to like you

7.       You do not live together

So please make your orders. Send ur US sizes and lets do this. Free delivery during the yuletide.

Ok if you are not tired of reading rubbish me I’m tired of typing it. So I’m out.

By the way Sean Penn and his family (nuclear and extended alike), friends and foes have been buzzing my phone like crazy. OMG! I really do not know what to do about his matter. That me that used to tolerate is dead and goneeee dead and gone.

Oh and are there really ‘Go and die’ Tee shirts? Nigerians are jus wrong mehnnnn

Take care sweethearts. Thanks to the people checking even though I post once a month. And those two people I exchanged emails with in the course of the week.

Have yourselves a lovely weekend people

Xoxo.

NO WORDS

This is simply a picture, dedicated to that blogger who .......................................................... I'm sure you know yourself

*tongue out*

OF PERVOS & SICKOS

YOU!

 I know you na, you can’t see this kind of title and move on. Lailai. See your face.

Some people are just so so sick. The sad part is they don’t even know it.

So anyways we’ve been having some water problems in the house. Yesterday, the plumber came in the morning and checked it out. He gave an estimate of stuff he needed to buy and left. We all had to go to work so he couldn’t come back immediately. The plan was for the first person to get back from work to call him to come fix it. Anyways I got in just after my cousin who had already called him and he sent over one of his boys.

I got in tired and was having a cold shower. As soon as I finished washing my face and I opened my eyes, I looked straight at the window and there he was, staring with his mouth open. Idiot. I was going to open the window to hit him in the face but then he fled fast enough. This boy is just an apprentice. I doubt he’s more than 17 years old. So he saw aunty like me and still had the guts to look.

I just got so irritated. I was done but I washed again. I felt so dirty. The way his mouth was open was so annoying. I wished his eyes were closed. I’d have poured bleach or disinfectant down his throat. Omo oloshi.

Only for me to get to work this morning and see “KANSAS WOMAN RUNS TOPLESS THROUGH STORE”. Of course I had to read it na. So I open it and the story is not as crazy as I thought. Summary is the babe(Jeanne Ouellette) was in the department store’s dressing room only for this son of the doomed one to be recording it on his phone. Immediately she caught the fool he started running and without thinking she ran after him, hand across her boobs but then he made it to the front door first and she had to stop. She screamed and the clothed ones helped chase and eventually catch him. That fool would have taken the video home and done all kinds of gross things or even posted it on the internet.

As soon as I read it, I immediately abandoned my work and signed in to blogger. I just had to rant.

I hope there’s VIP reserved for such debauchees in hell.

Goats.

Cows.

Pigs.

Mscheewwww.

Goodbye ! Lol

WRECKING BALL

Hi guys, em em em well this is not really a post but then this video has gone viral. If you grew up in Naija, you should remember these guys. All they do is pick a hit track and remix it (as razzly as possible ). Sometimes its really hillarious. Other times, not so much. Not sure what to say about this one. It did make me laugh though. I wanna assume there are still a few people who haven't seen it. To those people, I say you're welcome.

Enjoy.
xoxo

ADA OU CARO

You guys know I like French na hehehe. Well lemme just say the only inspiration for this post is the picture below which was someone's dp a couple of weeks ago. So I composed a draft and kept the picture. Lol. Even if you are a Neanderthal that just crawled out, I am pretty sure the picture explains worraimean.

Ehen jare so when I first saw it I used it as my dp and wrote  'Which one are you ?'

All of my friends started pinging saying Ada Ada Ada. Yea right !!! Babes that when you see them you will just start whistling the song by reflex. Yeye babes.

To be honest I don't even like the Caro song. I like the Ada Ada way better. Not cos of the message but it just generally sounds cleaner. These days I can't watch a music channel for one straight hour. Call me whatever you want but all these videos/lyrics are just way too dirty for me mehn. By the time I watch three songs there's already something that is making me wanna change the channel.

But back to the matter which one is really better ? Back in our parent's days, it was the Adas that had it oh. A Caro did not stand a chance mehn. Even till now they still see it that way.

I remember my aunt who used to live with us and didn't get married until she turned 34. Absolutely sweet and delightful woman. She would give us sweets and all the things we were not allowed to eat before the folks came back at night. When she turned 30 , momsie's theory was that there was something wrong spiritually. Popsie said she must have been a Caro back then. Momsie vouched for her sister lol but when she turned 32 , momsie started to agree with the theory, especially since she had been praying for her since and there was no way God wouldn't have answered, if my dear Aunty hadn't offended the Lord.

'Afterall we don't know what happened when she was in school'. Ah ! see backstabbing sister.

Anyway her friends threw her a surprise for her 33rd when she met this dude who just came to visit his folks and who came by chance to pick his sister. They got married on her 34th and she moved to Yankee with him. Perfect Nollywood type story. She's got three kids now and we still keep in touch on facebook.

But the point is when it comes to these things I believe some people are just lucky. Y'all know of the popular Nigerian semi porn star who just got engaged. Meanwhile the Deeper Life Church off my street is full of chics in their thirties who do not miss any mid week program. Sometimes I wonder if they don't all go to work. Now I'm not saying some of these chics are not undercover Caros under the umbrella skirt and threaded braids oh. Yes they have skeletons in their closets but let's face it, a good number are actually good girls who are waiting on the Lord and the Lord alone and managing their 45k a month pay while some others are screwing their way to the top despite having an Aristo and a fiance on the side. Life is nowhere near fair.

I remember one of my rooms back in school. We were 5 - 2 Adas, 1 hybrid(or if you like Carad), and 2 Caros, and we would all preach to the Caros to change their evil ways as they would wear their heels and say goodnight while we tucked ourselves in after night devotion.

Caro 1 got engaged in final year and boyfie's dad sent her for Masters in Bradford during NYSC. She returned with her MBA and got NYSC certificate like the rest of us that served. Has a fat paying job now.
Caro 2 is also married. Funny story one day she had a fyt wit an Aristo over money and they ended up yelling and he chased her out of the car. She got down and slammed the door and he zoomed off. She kept walking(this was on Awolowo way Ikoyi at 11.30 pm and she was still coming to UNILAG). Someone parked beside her. She thought the man went to turn around. Alas it was this hawt fine piece of chocolate. She gave him a very stupid story which is subject for another post. Anyway he brought her back to school and the rest is history. They have a son now and yet he got her mom a car for her 50th. They have both moved to jand and refused to come back.
Carad just got married last month. She has a boring government job.
Ada 1 just got a boring job too. She does Iyanapaja to Ikoyi everyday on one yamayama salary. No toaster in the past 6 months.
Ada 2 yours truly can't complain but mehn this job won't do it for me very soon oh.

Summary is Caros can get lucky and Adas can get screwed over. You sef think of it. You know how many times you've seen those your friends who used to 'fire pass ferrari' at the airport or on instagram who look like they've got it all figured out and you ain't got squat. Like I said life is nowhere near fair and some people are just lucky.


CARO DUN LEAVE STORYYYYYYY AHHHHH

HOOK UP …..1

One random Friday night, me and my home girl/ room- mate/gossip mate from law school, Andrea had been gisting and exchanging stories on men and all their wahala lol. Andrea’s ish is story for another post. So anyways we talk about men and all the other related stuff.

On Saturday, Andrea starts chatting with me and goes

‘Babe I gave some guy your number’

‘Huh? ’

 Andrea and I have really been tight for a while oh, I’ve been more Gidi and she’s been more Abj yeah but whenever I go to Abj we’ve hooked up and painted the town black. We’ve shared good, bad and ugly times. Anyone who’s been there knows law school friends stick close mehn. The crazy stuff you share in that one year are enough to bind you for a lifetime.

Anyways so Andrea says this guy would call me. I was going to ask her if I gave off any vibes during our chat that sounded desperate enough for her to pimp me out but I surprisingly kept quiet. So she gave me the low-down – you need not worry, he’s not stupid or irresponsible, my big brother’s friend and their whole circle of friends know he doesn’t have any skeletons in his closet, nice, wealthy, virgin, banker ………………..

She was typing very fast.

‘PAUSE’ I type   ‘Babes please slow down and back up to that virgin part abeg’

‘Hahahahah well I’m not very sure. I just suspect it but he’s a very decent guy sha’

I was not sure what to make of this part. Anyways she went on to say he’s somebody to grab and not let go of.  Emphasis on tall, good looking and wealthy, fair (Don’t ask me what the relevance of this is).  His name is emmmm lets say Sean Penn. First time ever someone was trying to hook me up. I honestly was not upset, like I thought I would.  So I told her no problems

Sunday afternoon I totally forgot to take my phone off silent after church. When I got back I started fixing the mess I had made in the morning. My zip snapped (first time I realized I was adding weight) and so I had to pick something else impromptu. My earring also rolled under the bed and so I had to drag out the whole jewelry box for an alternative. Of course I was playing music to help make things easier. By the time I was done arranging, I had three missed calls from a strange number. I guessed it was Sean Penn.  Andrea calls my phone around 6 p.m. to complain that Sean Penn had called her. So I just apologized and said I did not know where my phone was at the time.

So Sean Penn called back when I was having dinner and I told him to gimme twenty to finish. Twenty two minutes later he sends me a text:

‘OLUWALAGOSGIRL, HOW MANY MORE SECONDS?????????????’

Ha I don enter today. Anyways when we eventually spoke the conversation was not so bad. He however said he was in a bad mood seeing as he just saw an accident happen as he drove by third mainland.

I was to find out eventually that this would be one of many bad moods. So anyhow we go on talking all week till we finally hook up Saturday. We were to hook up in Ikeja at noon and he had threatened me not to keep him waiting. When I stepped out he said sorry he can’t make noon again. I went inside and sat back on my bed and stared at the ceiling. And I reeeeally hate waiting.

The date sha happened somewhere in G.R.A.  His food was crap and he whined on and on about it. I told myself not a deal breaker I can whine too. Also he said he was in a bad mood as he just learnt someone he had known had died. Next we were to do movie. Ikeja and Yaba were out of the question because he hates public places. Surulere also as he wasn’t familiar with the place and not willing to take directions. And so on to Lekki we went.

Me I didn’t see the movie thing coming so I was like we’d watch whatever.  We watched a really nice movie. Halfway through he said:

‘Please let’s get out of here’

‘To ?’

‘I’m in a bad mood plus I’m feeling sleepy. Will go to Epe and sleep for a while then drop you home later’

‘Epe ke? I’m enjoying this movie oh so I’m not going nowhere’

Mr promptly removed his glasses and handed to me then leaned way back in the seat and dozed off. So much for a date. He woke up at a point when everybody screamed and clapped. I couldn’t see his facial expression but the way he slumped back in his seat, I was just sure he was disappointed the movie wasn’t over yet. He was soooooooo quiet and grouchy all through the ride back, I started pinging random peeps to form activity.

To cut the long boring story short, here’s a list of other random reasons why it’s just a no for me. I’ll list a few and keep some details

·        On the movie incident, much later he told me why would anyone spend two full hours in one short day watching a movie when there were so many other valuable things to be done. Even at home his TV almost never comes on. He prefers to sit in the dark and listen to messages. This shocked me first because the cinema was his idea and secondly because I find his point of view a bit outrageous. This doesn’t mean I am right but I don’t see it ever working.

·        He doesn’t seem to be my type. Very religious yeah but our views are different. To him I’m like the worst sinner in the world. My friends see me as conservative. No outrageous hair colours, no tattoos and my cleavage is never out. He likes girls totally natural and once refused either to move or come out of the car when a girl he was supposed to hang out with turned up wearing shorts. God forbid that he be seen with her.

·        He’s over 30 and has only dated once and the fact that I have three exes already under 30 is scary for him. He told my friend point blank that it is too much experience.

·        He says he compares a lot of girls with his late mum who till her death brought her entire salary and bank statements to his dad on her knees on every pay day. When I laughed if he asked if I could do this, he didn’t say much. Andrea later told me he said I will be struggling with him for the headship of our home. On the other hand, married big sis said her hubby was also uptight but ended up changing. She also said to look on the bright side that he would never cheat.

·        We had a row when I refused to break down the way I spent my salary to the letter. I was laughing but he did not find the conversation funny at all. Honestly I thought he was joking oh ah ah. Even my popsie has never asked me that. Andrea all the while kept saying I should stop being stubborn.

·        Finally he was always calling to keep tabs. And you guys know I sit next to my boss who can see my screen. I said pls I can’t do calls during working hours. Except lunch time. I can only chat once in a while. E-mails are the best cos just like blogging I can keep a straight face and nobody knows what I’m typing. Bross got pissed and totally stopped talking to me. Not heard from him ever since.

Yes, this guy exists. God knows I have not exaggerated or embellished this story.  He is a banker in 21^st century Lagos.

I don’t know if you find this odd but my conclusion is ……………….. NAH BRUV, ITS NOT WERKING FER ME

P.S.  After about a month, he apologized on Saturday night ie day before yesterday and I said I’m okay but I just don’t see another date happening. Whats the point? Finally Andrea is with me on this one. Am I unserious ?

HOOK UP ?

Warning :

Boring rant ahead. Proceed at your own risk.


Ehen so two of my friends(one a close friend and roomate from law school) and the other (colleague at work) have recently hooked me up.

Both stories have ended (mildly put ) disastrously. I'm not even sure what went wrong sef. But I wanna ask, has anyone been randomly hooked up with successful results before ? Or maybe I should just go ahead and narrate the whole stories sef so that you guys can tell me whether I goofed or not. I'm not burnt oh and trust me I am not looking for some yeye 'closure' cos I really didn't like any of them (maybe that was the problem sef) but then I'm hopin to see if my views are warped or something.

In other news back when I was ill I found out I had piled on a whopping extra 7kg of nonsense. Meanwhile I had been ill for a while and lost weight while stubbornly self-medicating at home so I take it I added a total of about 10 kg. I am not very vain or anything but all the weight is obviously in my tummy. Veeery embarassing. 

So who knows something apart from exercise that works abeg ? Spa ? Doctor ? (no knives though)

Oh yes and please do not forget my hook up question ?  For me twice is one too many. I won't be doing the nonsense again. Sadly none of my oversabi friends will get to read this.

Any thoughts ? Or should I just spill the full gist and wait for comments ( I'm good once your'e not cussin my mama)

xoxo

ATERMOIEMENT S'IL VOUS PLAIT

 

First of all please forgive the gbagauns (if any) you might trip over on d way. As usual, yours truly (employee of the year) is typing at work. At the same time I am preparing three other reports. So I will be doing one paragraph per tab and then moving on to the next tab like that until I’m done with all four. After which I shall forward to the appropriate quarters/publish without reading over.

Please this is a serious matter and I in no way intend to make light of it. Procrastination is one of my biggest problems. It’s something I pray about. I actually wait till I have just enough time not to get in trouble before I get started on stuff. And this is what I constantly do. All the time.  Without fail. Is it a spirit?

It’s how I start my day. How I live my life. I don’t remember getting a task and jumping right in. I must wait. Even if just for ten minutes. It starts in the morning. I have 4 alarms (3 phones and a tab). Why you making that face? I have two SIM cards like every normal Nigerian. The third is an ugly office phone over which I have no control.

Okay so as I was saying I have daily alarms each five minutes away from each other e.g. I have to get up at 5.30 so

Phone 1 – 5.00

Phone 2 – 5.05

Phone 3 – 5.10

Phone 4 – 5.15

At which point I snooze phone 4 for 10 minutes till 5.25 then I wake and stay still (either lying down or sitting) till I finish booting at 5.30 before I put my feet on the ground(it’s dangerous to pray lying down). I then start slowly on whatever I have to do so I can be on time. I constantly plan and time irrelevant stuff because I know I just never have a sense of urgency about anything and I’d definitely run late if I don’t constantly breathe down my own neck.

Don’t know if this is making any sense oh but I’m feeling bad about it. Since  I haven’t  made any progress regarding my New Year’s resolutions in November, I have decided to work on just one of my weaknesses to at least feel good about myself during December appraisal.

Oh yes my topic. French and sexy abi ? U neva jam lol. It actually means ……………………………………………………………………… wait for it ……………………………………………………………………………………… PROCRASTINATION PLEASE !.  Don’t ask me why abeg, just go with the flow. Don’t judge a post by its title.

 

Oh and yes my health is good now. Thank you muchos  muchos. One more day of rest would have perfected it but oh well, I will stalk your blogs and be fine.

Do have a productive week

xoxo

 

SIIIIIIICCCCKKKK

I'm ill. Too ill to shout. Or type fast. Or think straight. Or stalk blogs. I just feel super messed up ryt now. Honestly I'm even bored. Have stuff to write.

 However, the lizard would like to stand erect, but his tail won't let him.

Say a prayer for moi

xoxo

HANG IN THERE MAYTE

Good morning good people how are you all doing? I have promised I won’t be one of the people who always come to complain about how there’s no time to blog but there really is no time oh.

 Guess it’s too late to ask how your weekend went abi ? Sorry oh. How did it go all the same? Ada give us the fashion gist na. As for me I slept well on Saturday, then went out on Sunday and had all the fun in the world.

Woke up on Monday with a vicious headache, sore throat, blocked nose and some badass fever, all of which heralded the arrival of Auntie Chichi (the red dragon). So week’s been busy and crazy with cramps and all the attendant irritating symptoms. I am trying very hard not to be cranky at work. Thank God she will pack her load by tonight or tomorrow latest and allow me enjoy my weekend.

How’s life and work? I haven’t even been able to stalk my regulars this week. Choi ! From tomorrow I intend to embark on a three day prayer program that my boss should just go on a pre-christmas vacation. I hope you will fast and join me. God bless you as you do so.

These days I’m really grateful for Fridays and can’t wait for them to come. I’ve just not felt right all week mehn plus I've been slow. I have felt a significant drop in I.Q. Hang in there ! Friday is here !

Sweet weekend, sweet weekend

That calls me from my week of care

And stops me from going off the bend

Thus saving me from my boss’s snare

After my week of distress and grief

My soul has often found relief

And I never want you to end

Sweet weekend, sweet weekend

(Yes I know, just keep your comments mehn)

T.G.I.F. ...........*SIGH*

So, remember how I was going on about how much I would sleep this weekend? Well things are taking a gloomy turn ooooo.

All I wanted was to just sleep my frigging life away all weekend which seemed like a perfect idea. I have even already made plans on how nicely the weekend would go. (NEPA is sexy these days. Still I have bought petrol). Already bought stuff in the fridge and paid for subscription and shii oh.

First I am so upset. I tried to withdraw and Stanbic deducted my money from my account while blowing hot air into my waiting palms. What the hell? I sharply dug out my phone and called their guy that always comes to my office with stories. Very sweet mouth.

‘Hello pretty ladies’ he would say, sticking his head in my office shining his 38.

‘We at Stanbic are all about moving you forward etc’

He always has some messed up rehearsed line about Stanbic . This money I plan to use to do weekend.  Mschewww. And the month has ended oh!!!!

 So I called him :

‘Hello Mr Ignatius, this is lagosgirl from Obalende Limited’

‘Aaaah waooooo(not wow) aunty lagos girl so good to hear from you. Ah ah ’

E gba mi, who is dis one’s aunty ?

Anyways I promptly went on to complain and ask how long it takes before the money is returned at which point I get the shocker of my life.

‘They will return it later. Just go to any nearest bransh ….’

I couldn’t even wait to hear the rest. I switched to pidgin mehn

‘Nor just try dis nonsense. Go bransh go do wetin?’

He then went on to explain the lengthy process. I was so upset. I reminded the guy that I did not withdraw inside their bransh so they should just return my money let me see it on the freaking machine. I even told him what kind of moving forward is this sef? This has happened to me with my UBA and FBN accounts before and I didn’t have to run helter skelter to get my money back.

 He now started to say ‘aah aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh (in that voice you use when you know someone is giving you bobo to chop and you don’t wanna outrightly say it’s a lie) die is no bank that will give you automatic’

I was now super pissed. I was so vexed and he was still now telling me I’m lying. What kind of customer service is that ? It’s not like there’s a branch close to me. Please look around you. Yes ! YOU ! Look out the window. Do you see a Stanbic branch ? Yes ? No ? I didn’t think so. So maybe I overreacted a little but a broke babe is an angry babe. In fact angrier than a hungry babe. The whole thing just killed my mood men.

Also my laundry basket at the moment runneth over. Will most likely end up dry-cleaning. Also heard there is an office event/show that will take the whole day tomorrow Saturday. (Something that ends at 6 p.m. is the whole day to me oh. Plus it’s even far and I can’t get back home before 9 sef). Huh?

Finally there’s a special program in church on Sunday plus I just got a whatsapp that a bridal shower which had earlier been postponed has been shifted back to 1 pm this Sunday. What do people wear to these things these days? I haven’t had hip female friends in a long time so no girls hangout for a bit. They are all married and rearing offspring. I don’t have cloth to wear *wailing*.

Yours truly is a bridesmaid so I gotta be there. Also the bridesmaid’s dress plus the donation for the shower alone sef played their own part in the rapid evaporation of my September pay. (You see y I took d atm thing muscular with Mr Ignatius). My wallet is not smiling mehn.  And there’s still hair and accessories to buy. (October salary already spending itself).

Pray, tell how will I just enjoy my weekend? I have had a full, crazy week I just want to sleep till I hear my alarm on Monday morning. God knows I can’t attend to all these stuff. Not sure which ones I will attend and which I will dodge though.  Let me just google an apology message now so by Sunday night I will text/bbm/whatsapp/email/voicenote to appropriate parties.

So what are your weekend plans? Despite my ranting and whining, if you have any where it is happening just control me and I will show oh !!!

Have a fab, fab  weekend.

xoxo

P.S.  No personal beef for Stanbic or love for UBA or FBN. Just speaking my mind uncensored.

ONE HARD JOB

Hello everyone hope y'all are doing great. How was the Sallah ? Omo yours truly was on a party crashing spree oh. In fact today I'm just about to have the last of the jollof rice and meat I got last Tuesday for lunch at work. Yes !!! Two big bowls in the freezer.

Big shout out to bloggers, especially all the ones I stalk. It's one hell of a hard job I have been made to realise. Despite changing name, putting your whole life out there is so damn hard. That was the idea behind going anonymous in the first place - so I could document without fear or favour. Even with that so many things come to my head and I just wanna type. But then I hold back again.

Shout out to my friends, Yemisi and Jumoke. I have never told anyone I know about this , first because I have only but a few posts and also because I want to be as free as possible with my thoughts.. Yet they found it. And instead of the goats telling me they go ahead to put comments, tracing my whole genealogy, forgetting I have to approve the comments before they get published. Mschewww. Sorry girls, I love you but you guys will just kill the purpose. Still not sure how you found me but I will not be publishing those comments(and any similar smart-by-half ones you might drop in future). Here's hoping I can count on you people keeping your lips sealed.

Anyways, its the middle of the week already(a slow one though) and I see a very sleepy weekend ahead. Work is so stressful these days. To make matters worse I sit just near my boss mehnnn. Maybe I will be typing my posts in Microsoft Word or Outlook first and then sharply copy and paste when he goes for lunch or something.

Oh and I have a random question this Who Wednesday :

WHO CUTS ALL THESE POLYMER NOTES ?

MONDAY MORNING INSPIRATION - HONESTY !

Good morning. Thank God its Monday ? No ? Hahahahaha. Didn’t think so.

Unlike a good number of people (most of who by the way are either lying or just blindly following the crowd), I do not think Monday should be the most serious day of the week. I think we should just be honest with ourselves already. So many writers and bloggers post all kinds of stuff about Mondays. One said she calls Mondays 'fun days'. One said it brings beauty, promise , hope , a new chance, bla bla bla. Do these people actually believe these things ? If they do , they are in the extreme, deluded minority because the loyal followers of their blogs are the same people who start to get depressed and update dreary and gloomy messages from 7pm Sunday evening.

Don't get me wrong, Mondays, like Saturdays and Sundays are here to stay and there really is absolutely nothing we can do about them. To some extent, I also do agree with the school of thought that it is about your attitude - you can either moan and whine or make everyone miserable. Or you can start off with a smile and spread good cheer. This however brings us to another pertinent question from time immemorial :

''From whence cometh the Monday Morning Cheer ?''

For some people who are basically couch potatoes and do not have anything remotely resembling a social life, weekends can be terrible. It's the time when they are constantly plagued by dps of club parties, album launches, introductions, weddings, vacations and all the good things happening to everyone except them. It's the time to sit alone in the house and remember troublesome parents, crappy jobs and unpaid bills. I would think this would be the perfect time for such a thing as suicide for such borderline depression. However, the office for National Statistics in England found 16% and 17 % of male and female suicides respectively happen on Mondays, compared to just 13% on the weekends. Also the British Medical Journal reported a 20 % increase in heart attacks on Mondays. Statistics even have it that productivity is lower. Yes oh I have done so much research that .......... But I digress. My point is on such a day feared by both man, beasts and gods, where, pray, is a sister supposed to find cheer ?

My dear, here with me is where to find cheer. Since we have gba kamud(grudgingly accepted)  that Mondays are here to stay, lets grow a thick skin to the cynicism and pessimism . (You have many more Mondays ahead, except you wanna die before the week runs out). Why must Monday be the day we overdo it ? Take Mondays easy and remember that it brings us closer to Friday. Tell yourself you will be happy lol. Repeat it several times like I do. Hum and tap your foot to create a beat for the chant in your head. Also ignore those mails on time management, discipline, channeling the inner man etc sent from office HR.

In the spirit, let me share with you a joke that just made me smile :

A mother took her little boy to church and at some point when church was quiet he said : ''Mommy, I have to pee.'' The embarassed mom said, ''Peter, pee is a dirty word. Next time, say you have to whisper. The next Sunday he went to church with his father and during the sermon, said, ''Daddy, I have to whisper.'' The father, not looking his way said, ''Peter I'm trying to concentrate and take notes. Just climb the bench and whisper in my ear.''

Diafor, my fiewers at home, the summary of my story is :

IF WHAT YOU NEED TO JUMPSTART YOUR WEEK ON MONDAYS IS SOME INSPIRATION, THEN HERE GOES :

ALWAYS BE HONEST (Especially about your hatred for Mondays and the laziness that results thereof). Afterall these statistics were painstakingly carried out by erudite scholars and you have also contributed to it (if not by suicide, then at least by low productivity).

IF HOWEVER, WHAT YOU TRULY NEED IS SOME BARRACK OBAMA/HELLEN KELLER/ MARTIN LUTHER KING ISH, THEN THIS IS NOT THE PLACE TO COME.

You can check on Thursday though. Remain blessed !!!

ON A BAD GUY P ?

I'm on a bad guy p 

I'm on a bad guy p

I'm on a bad guy p

And the beat go boom like the black eyed peas

First things first I’d like to say ‘With all due respect’ (hehehehe lawyers) that that black eyed peas part ehn???????????

Anyways in case you didn't know, I just quoted the chorus of the song 'Bad Guy P' by an artiste called L.O.S. I'm not sure why I did that though seeing as the lyrics of the song have little or nothing to do with what I’m trying to say in this post. Just bear with me n my nonsense.

Back to the matter, a friend of mine, Lara (her real name starts with L but doesn’t end with ‘ara’) first got dumped sometime in April oh. It was quite a brutal one. Kayode(real name) just came back from Queen Mary, armed with his LLM and Madam no gree us hear word. She finished us on instagram with pictures from the welcome party, capturing every single thing from Kayode’s mom’s gele malfunction to the dog stealing meat in the corner of the kitchen, all the while ignoring my pings for the whole day.

It’s not what you think o, I was actually happy for her abeg. The guy’s popc had helped him set up something nice in Abj and he was already getting himself a place in Zone 5 so my darling L had been dreaming of proposal since she met the folks in January.

February came and they did dinner on Valentine’s Day. No surprises. Nothing special. Babe even kept quiet when she thought she had been talking too much. Even went to the ladies when she wasn’t feeling like it. All so he could compose himself and stage his surprise. Notin o.

March came (Lara’s month). By this time Uncle K had moved to Abj and flew her over for her birthday. You go fear shopping and preparation. (Remind to tell you about the lies we told her CAC Pastor father so she could travel for one week). Anyhoo birthday night they went to some Chinese place. I kept staring at my phone, waiting for the big announcement. Just like Bisola. And Peju. We were just sure it wud happen. Dinner came n ended. They went back home together. Still on still, ko si shingbain(please correct that spelling).

Then in April, Kayode sent the ‘We need to talk’ text. The summary is sha dat he is not doing again. He had done some deep thinking and decided to chill. Meanwhile me I have been noticing one scary lookin babe liking all his fb updates and even twice tagging him in pictures (Yes, I stalk like that, just like you). She went to QMUL too and she’s nowhere as hot as my friend.

One randomTanya/Shaniqua/Janice/Ebony/Aaliyah/Diamond/Jasmine looking black charcoal babe like that.

Lara cried a river  the atlantic till June oh then started tellin us how he was even a jerk oh and how she had lost money around him like twice and how he had managed to ‘forget his wallet’ once in a while when they went shopping. She even said she suspected the babe who cleaned his flat in Abuja was doing more than that, amidst many horrible stories. Ah ! Babe and you were waiting for proposal!

‘thislagosgirl, you will never understand’ she told me

‘Please make me’. She just shook her head and didn’t say more.

Since then Lara has been avoiding men like the plague until two Fridays ago when she went for Sisters with soul abi wetin be dat Mary J. Blige concert sef. Yours truly did not go. I am not in that feminist, men-are-the-devil phase abeg. Also salary never enter so I have to behave. She met this Tony guy (were there guys at that show?) there and never got off the phone afterwards.

On Sunday night, outside Ikeja Shoprite(yes oh, that public car park), Tony wozed her a hot slap after just one week. I was so pissed. Me I don’t even just like the Tony.

‘What do you do Tony ?’

‘I’m an independent producer’, he said smugly, twisting his goatee. Mschewww

‘What does that mean?’

‘I produce here and there’. Please what is that?

‘I see. So where do you stay?’I continued, ignoring the daggers in Lara’s eyes.

‘Around Gbagada’

‘Where exactly?’

‘Charly Boy Area’

‘Huh?’ aproko me would have figured out the truth if Lara hadn’t cut me off oh. Now he is slapping her. Rubbish.

Five minutes ago, I sent Lara a message on whatsapp asking  her not to forget to bring my beads to church tonight and she replied that she was going for karaoke with Tony . Na wa ! I sharply went into the bathroom to call her and trust me, I should have saved my credit.

I know this is an over flogged issue but us girls sha, there’s just no stopping us when it comes to these horrible guys. Ergo the question from time immemorial ,

WHY DO GOOD GIRLS LIKE BAD GUYS?

Remember this same ‘Bad Guy P’ syndrome made Satan give Eve the apple before she became bad. She was still a good girl na, don’t you remember? I’m sure if it was Adam the good boy she won’t have taken it.

Anyways there are so many theories

·        Jerks have some good qualities too so girls rationalize away the bad parts and see only the good(especially if he’s cute)

·        Nice guys are boring and predictable

·        Most bad guys are hot (and they know it. That’s why they turn bad in the first place)

·        The bad ones are more secure and mysterious. Confident too. Plus they unleash your inner bad girl and get your juices flowing.

Any more reasons ? Why the Bad Guy P? I thought it was old and only happened to teenage girls. Am I missing something? Please explain to me.

As for Lara, she’s definitely permanently on a bad guy P ……. And there’s no stopping her until Tony (I suspect that’s not his real name) beats her into a coma.

So any thoughts ?

NAME CHANGE

Hello All,

I do hope you are doing very well. Sorry about the name change oh. Its just that I just heard one really scary story about a blogger here in Lagos. Would love to tell you but the person it happened to will definitely read this so lips sealed.

But sha the summary of the story is that I want to make this as impersonal as possible. I'm not sure how well that would work out, seeing as I also plan to start posting very very frequently and would inevitably be spilling personal stuff. Lets wait and see.

Join me on this journey into my crazy, sometimes twisted imaginations.

Peace !!!!

42 RANDOM QUESTIONS ABOUT ME

1. What was your favourite subject in school ? Literature
2.  Best food ? Mixed Shawarma with double sausage
3.  Second best ? Mixed Shawarma with single sausage. Yes !

4.  Favourite sport ? Sleep

5.  Favourite clothing ? Tank top n shorts
6.   Heels or flats ? Flats (Life is too short to be hustling heels. Really should learn tho)
7.  Favourite animal ? The hen (Cooked)
8.  Favourite TV show ? How I met your mother and Boston Legal

9.  Current phone ? HTC Desire V with a two long cracks on the screen.Vertical and horizontal.
10. What quote do you live by ? Life is too short
11. Favourite number ? 5. A good way to say 'waka'
12. Hobbies ? Online window shopping and eating
13. Pet peeves ? A loud voice that pierces my earphones and spoils my jammings
14. Phone you want now ? Q10 pere. Any takers ?

15. When is your birthday ? January 4th(*ducking stones from childhood friends*)
16. Do you own a gun ? Not yet. Sooner than soon tho
17. What don't you like about yourself ? The vicious way I snooze my alarm

18. What's in your pocket right now ? Sweet wrapper n 50 bucks
19. Where do you work ? U wanna stalk me ni ?
20. Best time of the day ? Bedtime
21. First crush ? Don't remember o. Lets just say Ramsey Nouah

22. A memory that keeps haunting me ? Stealing Ada's jollof rice
23. Top item on my bucket list - Exotic vacation sponsored by someone else
24. Turn ons - The smell of good perfume n hot shawarma
25. Bad habit- Shopping on pay day
26. Current mood- Tired and hungry
27. Worst food - Fufu. I'll never try it
28. Memorable prank - When me n Ayoola used to sneak love notes in Wumi's locker from some   
secret crush
29. Favourite Christmas song ? God rest ye merry gentlemen
30. Favourite color ? Red
31. Talking or texting ? Texting (I'm a big pretender)
32. What do you think of you ex ? Right now, thunder fire am
33. School or work ? School(wit plenty pocket moni sha)
34. Favourite channel ? Crime
35. Innie or outtie ? Innie
36. If you could rob a closet ? Nkiru Anumudu
37. Favourite season ? Rainy
38. Exclamation you always use ? Chooiiii / Sweet baby Jesus
39. Favourite ice cream ? Birthday cake
40. Movies to watch over and over ? Sex and the City
41. You'd spend your last money on ? Credit
42. Make one wish - A never empty bank account

ANY MORE QUESTIONS ?