One random Friday night, me and my home girl/ room- mate/gossip mate from law school, Andrea had been gisting and exchanging stories on men and all their wahala lol. Andrea’s ish is story for another post. So anyways we talk about men and all the other related stuff.
On Saturday, Andrea starts chatting with me and goes
‘Babe I gave some guy your number’
Andrea and I have really been tight for a while oh, I’ve been more Gidi and she’s been more Abj yeah but whenever I go to Abj we’ve hooked up and painted the town black. We’ve shared good, bad and ugly times. Anyone who’s been there knows law school friends stick close mehn. The crazy stuff you share in that one year are enough to bind you for a lifetime.
Anyways so Andrea says this guy would call me. I was going to ask her if I gave off any vibes during our chat that sounded desperate enough for her to pimp me out but I surprisingly kept quiet. So she gave me the low-down – you need not worry, he’s not stupid or irresponsible, my big brother’s friend and their whole circle of friends know he doesn’t have any skeletons in his closet, nice, wealthy, virgin, banker ………………..
She was typing very fast.
‘PAUSE’ I type ‘Babes please slow down and back up to that virgin part abeg’
‘Hahahahah well I’m not very sure. I just suspect it but he’s a very decent guy sha’
I was not sure what to make of this part. Anyways she went on to say he’s somebody to grab and not let go of. Emphasis on tall, good looking and wealthy, fair (Don’t ask me what the relevance of this is). His name is emmmm lets say Sean Penn. First time ever someone was trying to hook me up. I honestly was not upset, like I thought I would. So I told her no problems
Sunday afternoon I totally forgot to take my phone off silent after church. When I got back I started fixing the mess I had made in the morning. My zip snapped (first time I realized I was adding weight) and so I had to pick something else impromptu. My earring also rolled under the bed and so I had to drag out the whole jewelry box for an alternative. Of course I was playing music to help make things easier. By the time I was done arranging, I had three missed calls from a strange number. I guessed it was Sean Penn. Andrea calls my phone around 6 p.m. to complain that Sean Penn had called her. So I just apologized and said I did not know where my phone was at the time.
So Sean Penn called back when I was having dinner and I told him to gimme twenty to finish. Twenty two minutes later he sends me a text:
‘OLUWALAGOSGIRL, HOW MANY MORE SECONDS?????????????’
Ha I don enter today. Anyways when we eventually spoke the conversation was not so bad. He however said he was in a bad mood seeing as he just saw an accident happen as he drove by third mainland.
I was to find out eventually that this would be one of many bad moods. So anyhow we go on talking all week till we finally hook up Saturday. We were to hook up in Ikeja at noon and he had threatened me not to keep him waiting. When I stepped out he said sorry he can’t make noon again. I went inside and sat back on my bed and stared at the ceiling. And I reeeeally hate waiting.
The date sha happened somewhere in G.R.A. His food was crap and he whined on and on about it. I told myself not a deal breaker I can whine too. Also he said he was in a bad mood as he just learnt someone he had known had died. Next we were to do movie. Ikeja and Yaba were out of the question because he hates public places. Surulere also as he wasn’t familiar with the place and not willing to take directions. And so on to Lekki we went.
Me I didn’t see the movie thing coming so I was like we’d watch whatever. We watched a really nice movie. Halfway through he said:
‘Please let’s get out of here’
‘I’m in a bad mood plus I’m feeling sleepy. Will go to Epe and sleep for a while then drop you home later’
‘Epe ke? I’m enjoying this movie oh so I’m not going nowhere’
Mr promptly removed his glasses and handed to me then leaned way back in the seat and dozed off. So much for a date. He woke up at a point when everybody screamed and clapped. I couldn’t see his facial expression but the way he slumped back in his seat, I was just sure he was disappointed the movie wasn’t over yet. He was soooooooo quiet and grouchy all through the ride back, I started pinging random peeps to form activity.
To cut the long boring story short, here’s a list of other random reasons why it’s just a no for me. I’ll list a few and keep some details
· On the movie incident, much later he told me why would anyone spend two full hours in one short day watching a movie when there were so many other valuable things to be done. Even at home his TV almost never comes on. He prefers to sit in the dark and listen to messages. This shocked me first because the cinema was his idea and secondly because I find his point of view a bit outrageous. This doesn’t mean I am right but I don’t see it ever working.
· He doesn’t seem to be my type. Very religious yeah but our views are different. To him I’m like the worst sinner in the world. My friends see me as conservative. No outrageous hair colours, no tattoos and my cleavage is never out. He likes girls totally natural and once refused either to move or come out of the car when a girl he was supposed to hang out with turned up wearing shorts. God forbid that he be seen with her.
· He’s over 30 and has only dated once and the fact that I have three exes already under 30 is scary for him. He told my friend point blank that it is too much experience.
· He says he compares a lot of girls with his late mum who till her death brought her entire salary and bank statements to his dad on her knees on every pay day. When I laughed if he asked if I could do this, he didn’t say much. Andrea later told me he said I will be struggling with him for the headship of our home. On the other hand, married big sis said her hubby was also uptight but ended up changing. She also said to look on the bright side that he would never cheat.
· We had a row when I refused to break down the way I spent my salary to the letter. I was laughing but he did not find the conversation funny at all. Honestly I thought he was joking oh ah ah. Even my popsie has never asked me that. Andrea all the while kept saying I should stop being stubborn.
· Finally he was always calling to keep tabs. And you guys know I sit next to my boss who can see my screen. I said pls I can’t do calls during working hours. Except lunch time. I can only chat once in a while. E-mails are the best cos just like blogging I can keep a straight face and nobody knows what I’m typing. Bross got pissed and totally stopped talking to me. Not heard from him ever since.
Yes, this guy exists. God knows I have not exaggerated or embellished this story. He is a banker in 21st century Lagos.
I don’t know if you find this odd but my conclusion is ……………….. NAH BRUV, ITS NOT WERKING FER ME
P.S. After about a month, he apologized on Saturday night ie day before yesterday and I said I’m okay but I just don’t see another date happening. Whats the point? Finally Andrea is with me on this one. Am I unserious ?