I'M FRIENDS WITH THE MONSTER

I’ve been away for a long time and I’m coming back with this sad and kinda off post. I’m tempted to apologize for that but I won’t.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently: about myself, my life, my career, my future. I have recently come under pressure I am sure I won’t have survived through a year or two ago. I have survived, yes but I have discovered myself in a new light, which sadly is negative.

I have found recently that I am not as near perfect as I thought I was. Not even close to halfway. I have given up on trying to please everyone. I have changed. Or maybe all the recent pressure is truly bringing out the real me.

I am not as kind as I used to be. I have developed audacity. I have said “I don’t give a damn” a lot and I have meant it every single time. I have said it calmly, to myself, not in a fit of rage or during an outburst.

I have been under a lot of stress. It doesn’t help that my boss drives me crazy a lot. I used to say I would work very hard and not expect any rewards. These days I still work hard but once my boss sends me a crazy text message or her characteristic vicious e-mail after work hours, I am done for the day. I tell myself it’s extra time which she doesn’t deserve and the least she can do is not have a scathing remark. She doesn’t have to say thank you but she should not send a five pager text message full of exclamation marks!!! I won’t apologize for my opinion that women are a lot more difficult than men. If it’s that urgent and has serious consequences, why do you still have five minutes to rant and give a long speech which at the end of the day would not include a solution to the problem????

These days I give less. Maybe I save more but I have become even more selfish. I tell myself I am broke and every penny counts. This morning I thought about it as I walked past whilst fund raising was going on for a 15 year old cancer patient. I did not give a dime. I stopped and thought of what God would think of me. Then I thought of how the month is only halfway gone and I have bills. And I calmly walked on.

So this Lacey Spears issue pushed me to do a post. Not sure why I can’t get it out of my head. What I’m about to say is very wrong and might get me horrible comments but I do believe she murdered her son (my conclusion has nothing to do with her stoicism and her turning herself in) but then who am I to judge? What do I know about her life? Isn’t mine also full of imperfections? How much can I really take?

My friends tell me time and again that I have no motherly instincts. I’d make a fabulous wife and pamper my husband, but my kids would have a different opinion. Maybe that’s why I believe someone killed her son and still don’t have any negative comments for her. I doubt I’d be able to deal with a sick kid. I have a neighbor with a troublesome kid who wakes me up every morning and there are times when I yell so much when he’s yelling too. If he were mine, I’d have beaten him so much, probably tied his mouth so I can have peace. I can’t deal with troublesome kids. A sick one makes it worse. I am impatient. Would I eventually soften up when the kid is mine? Or would I remain Stone Cold Steve Austin?

I am far from perfect but I was never so bad. I’m not sure when I changed but I’m sure I did. I don’t like the changes but I don’t seem to be trying to do anything about them. I have simply been justifying myself. I have created, nay, become a monster.

Oh yes, I have been absent. The plan was to leave without saying goodbye ……………….. To avoid the emotions that come with finality, to avoid the cliche “I no longer want to blog/All good things come to an end/I have to move on with my life” post. But then I signed in this morning and read some posts: Toin’s toaster, T-notes finding love, Lady Ngo’s crushes which have all been the subject of my affections at some point (save for 50) and I just realized how much I’ve missed.

I smiled, softened up, and then I started to leave comments. I realized without a doubt - My break has come to an end.

Much love

xoxo

P.S. I always type and post in minutes. I never read over, not even during exams. Ignore errors if any.