HANG IN THERE MAYTE

Good morning good people how are you all doing? I have promised I won’t be one of the people who always come to complain about how there’s no time to blog but there really is no time oh.

 Guess it’s too late to ask how your weekend went abi ? Sorry oh. How did it go all the same? Ada give us the fashion gist na. As for me I slept well on Saturday, then went out on Sunday and had all the fun in the world.

Woke up on Monday with a vicious headache, sore throat, blocked nose and some badass fever, all of which heralded the arrival of Auntie Chichi (the red dragon). So week’s been busy and crazy with cramps and all the attendant irritating symptoms. I am trying very hard not to be cranky at work. Thank God she will pack her load by tonight or tomorrow latest and allow me enjoy my weekend.

How’s life and work? I haven’t even been able to stalk my regulars this week. Choi ! From tomorrow I intend to embark on a three day prayer program that my boss should just go on a pre-christmas vacation. I hope you will fast and join me. God bless you as you do so.

These days I’m really grateful for Fridays and can’t wait for them to come. I’ve just not felt right all week mehn plus I've been slow. I have felt a significant drop in I.Q. Hang in there ! Friday is here !

Sweet weekend, sweet weekend

That calls me from my week of care

And stops me from going off the bend

Thus saving me from my boss’s snare

After my week of distress and grief

My soul has often found relief

And I never want you to end

Sweet weekend, sweet weekend

(Yes I know, just keep your comments mehn)

T.G.I.F. ...........*SIGH*

So, remember how I was going on about how much I would sleep this weekend? Well things are taking a gloomy turn ooooo.

All I wanted was to just sleep my frigging life away all weekend which seemed like a perfect idea. I have even already made plans on how nicely the weekend would go. (NEPA is sexy these days. Still I have bought petrol). Already bought stuff in the fridge and paid for subscription and shii oh.

First I am so upset. I tried to withdraw and Stanbic deducted my money from my account while blowing hot air into my waiting palms. What the hell? I sharply dug out my phone and called their guy that always comes to my office with stories. Very sweet mouth.

‘Hello pretty ladies’ he would say, sticking his head in my office shining his 38.

‘We at Stanbic are all about moving you forward etc’

He always has some messed up rehearsed line about Stanbic . This money I plan to use to do weekend.  Mschewww. And the month has ended oh!!!!

 So I called him :

‘Hello Mr Ignatius, this is lagosgirl from Obalende Limited’

‘Aaaah waooooo(not wow) aunty lagos girl so good to hear from you. Ah ah ’

E gba mi, who is dis one’s aunty ?

Anyways I promptly went on to complain and ask how long it takes before the money is returned at which point I get the shocker of my life.

‘They will return it later. Just go to any nearest bransh ….’

I couldn’t even wait to hear the rest. I switched to pidgin mehn

‘Nor just try dis nonsense. Go bransh go do wetin?’

He then went on to explain the lengthy process. I was so upset. I reminded the guy that I did not withdraw inside their bransh so they should just return my money let me see it on the freaking machine. I even told him what kind of moving forward is this sef? This has happened to me with my UBA and FBN accounts before and I didn’t have to run helter skelter to get my money back.

 He now started to say ‘aah aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh (in that voice you use when you know someone is giving you bobo to chop and you don’t wanna outrightly say it’s a lie) die is no bank that will give you automatic’

I was now super pissed. I was so vexed and he was still now telling me I’m lying. What kind of customer service is that ? It’s not like there’s a branch close to me. Please look around you. Yes ! YOU ! Look out the window. Do you see a Stanbic branch ? Yes ? No ? I didn’t think so. So maybe I overreacted a little but a broke babe is an angry babe. In fact angrier than a hungry babe. The whole thing just killed my mood men.

Also my laundry basket at the moment runneth over. Will most likely end up dry-cleaning. Also heard there is an office event/show that will take the whole day tomorrow Saturday. (Something that ends at 6 p.m. is the whole day to me oh. Plus it’s even far and I can’t get back home before 9 sef). Huh?

Finally there’s a special program in church on Sunday plus I just got a whatsapp that a bridal shower which had earlier been postponed has been shifted back to 1 pm this Sunday. What do people wear to these things these days? I haven’t had hip female friends in a long time so no girls hangout for a bit. They are all married and rearing offspring. I don’t have cloth to wear *wailing*.

Yours truly is a bridesmaid so I gotta be there. Also the bridesmaid’s dress plus the donation for the shower alone sef played their own part in the rapid evaporation of my September pay. (You see y I took d atm thing muscular with Mr Ignatius). My wallet is not smiling mehn.  And there’s still hair and accessories to buy. (October salary already spending itself).

Pray, tell how will I just enjoy my weekend? I have had a full, crazy week I just want to sleep till I hear my alarm on Monday morning. God knows I can’t attend to all these stuff. Not sure which ones I will attend and which I will dodge though.  Let me just google an apology message now so by Sunday night I will text/bbm/whatsapp/email/voicenote to appropriate parties.

So what are your weekend plans? Despite my ranting and whining, if you have any where it is happening just control me and I will show oh !!!

Have a fab, fab  weekend.

xoxo

P.S.  No personal beef for Stanbic or love for UBA or FBN. Just speaking my mind uncensored.

ONE HARD JOB

Hello everyone hope y'all are doing great. How was the Sallah ? Omo yours truly was on a party crashing spree oh. In fact today I'm just about to have the last of the jollof rice and meat I got last Tuesday for lunch at work. Yes !!! Two big bowls in the freezer.

Big shout out to bloggers, especially all the ones I stalk. It's one hell of a hard job I have been made to realise. Despite changing name, putting your whole life out there is so damn hard. That was the idea behind going anonymous in the first place - so I could document without fear or favour. Even with that so many things come to my head and I just wanna type. But then I hold back again.

Shout out to my friends, Yemisi and Jumoke. I have never told anyone I know about this , first because I have only but a few posts and also because I want to be as free as possible with my thoughts.. Yet they found it. And instead of the goats telling me they go ahead to put comments, tracing my whole genealogy, forgetting I have to approve the comments before they get published. Mschewww. Sorry girls, I love you but you guys will just kill the purpose. Still not sure how you found me but I will not be publishing those comments(and any similar smart-by-half ones you might drop in future). Here's hoping I can count on you people keeping your lips sealed.

Anyways, its the middle of the week already(a slow one though) and I see a very sleepy weekend ahead. Work is so stressful these days. To make matters worse I sit just near my boss mehnnn. Maybe I will be typing my posts in Microsoft Word or Outlook first and then sharply copy and paste when he goes for lunch or something.

Oh and I have a random question this Who Wednesday :

WHO CUTS ALL THESE POLYMER NOTES ?

MONDAY MORNING INSPIRATION - HONESTY !

Good morning. Thank God its Monday ? No ? Hahahahaha. Didn’t think so.

Unlike a good number of people (most of who by the way are either lying or just blindly following the crowd), I do not think Monday should be the most serious day of the week. I think we should just be honest with ourselves already. So many writers and bloggers post all kinds of stuff about Mondays. One said she calls Mondays 'fun days'. One said it brings beauty, promise , hope , a new chance, bla bla bla. Do these people actually believe these things ? If they do , they are in the extreme, deluded minority because the loyal followers of their blogs are the same people who start to get depressed and update dreary and gloomy messages from 7pm Sunday evening.

Don't get me wrong, Mondays, like Saturdays and Sundays are here to stay and there really is absolutely nothing we can do about them. To some extent, I also do agree with the school of thought that it is about your attitude - you can either moan and whine or make everyone miserable. Or you can start off with a smile and spread good cheer. This however brings us to another pertinent question from time immemorial :

''From whence cometh the Monday Morning Cheer ?''

For some people who are basically couch potatoes and do not have anything remotely resembling a social life, weekends can be terrible. It's the time when they are constantly plagued by dps of club parties, album launches, introductions, weddings, vacations and all the good things happening to everyone except them. It's the time to sit alone in the house and remember troublesome parents, crappy jobs and unpaid bills. I would think this would be the perfect time for such a thing as suicide for such borderline depression. However, the office for National Statistics in England found 16% and 17 % of male and female suicides respectively happen on Mondays, compared to just 13% on the weekends. Also the British Medical Journal reported a 20 % increase in heart attacks on Mondays. Statistics even have it that productivity is lower. Yes oh I have done so much research that .......... But I digress. My point is on such a day feared by both man, beasts and gods, where, pray, is a sister supposed to find cheer ?

My dear, here with me is where to find cheer. Since we have gba kamud(grudgingly accepted)  that Mondays are here to stay, lets grow a thick skin to the cynicism and pessimism . (You have many more Mondays ahead, except you wanna die before the week runs out). Why must Monday be the day we overdo it ? Take Mondays easy and remember that it brings us closer to Friday. Tell yourself you will be happy lol. Repeat it several times like I do. Hum and tap your foot to create a beat for the chant in your head. Also ignore those mails on time management, discipline, channeling the inner man etc sent from office HR.

In the spirit, let me share with you a joke that just made me smile :

A mother took her little boy to church and at some point when church was quiet he said : ''Mommy, I have to pee.'' The embarassed mom said, ''Peter, pee is a dirty word. Next time, say you have to whisper. The next Sunday he went to church with his father and during the sermon, said, ''Daddy, I have to whisper.'' The father, not looking his way said, ''Peter I'm trying to concentrate and take notes. Just climb the bench and whisper in my ear.''

Diafor, my fiewers at home, the summary of my story is :

IF WHAT YOU NEED TO JUMPSTART YOUR WEEK ON MONDAYS IS SOME INSPIRATION, THEN HERE GOES :

ALWAYS BE HONEST (Especially about your hatred for Mondays and the laziness that results thereof). Afterall these statistics were painstakingly carried out by erudite scholars and you have also contributed to it (if not by suicide, then at least by low productivity).

IF HOWEVER, WHAT YOU TRULY NEED IS SOME BARRACK OBAMA/HELLEN KELLER/ MARTIN LUTHER KING ISH, THEN THIS IS NOT THE PLACE TO COME.

You can check on Thursday though. Remain blessed !!!

ON A BAD GUY P ?

I'm on a bad guy p 

I'm on a bad guy p

I'm on a bad guy p

And the beat go boom like the black eyed peas

First things first I’d like to say ‘With all due respect’ (hehehehe lawyers) that that black eyed peas part ehn???????????

Anyways in case you didn't know, I just quoted the chorus of the song 'Bad Guy P' by an artiste called L.O.S. I'm not sure why I did that though seeing as the lyrics of the song have little or nothing to do with what I’m trying to say in this post. Just bear with me n my nonsense.

Back to the matter, a friend of mine, Lara (her real name starts with L but doesn’t end with ‘ara’) first got dumped sometime in April oh. It was quite a brutal one. Kayode(real name) just came back from Queen Mary, armed with his LLM and Madam no gree us hear word. She finished us on instagram with pictures from the welcome party, capturing every single thing from Kayode’s mom’s gele malfunction to the dog stealing meat in the corner of the kitchen, all the while ignoring my pings for the whole day.

It’s not what you think o, I was actually happy for her abeg. The guy’s popc had helped him set up something nice in Abj and he was already getting himself a place in Zone 5 so my darling L had been dreaming of proposal since she met the folks in January.

February came and they did dinner on Valentine’s Day. No surprises. Nothing special. Babe even kept quiet when she thought she had been talking too much. Even went to the ladies when she wasn’t feeling like it. All so he could compose himself and stage his surprise. Notin o.

March came (Lara’s month). By this time Uncle K had moved to Abj and flew her over for her birthday. You go fear shopping and preparation. (Remind to tell you about the lies we told her CAC Pastor father so she could travel for one week). Anyhoo birthday night they went to some Chinese place. I kept staring at my phone, waiting for the big announcement. Just like Bisola. And Peju. We were just sure it wud happen. Dinner came n ended. They went back home together. Still on still, ko si shingbain(please correct that spelling).

Then in April, Kayode sent the ‘We need to talk’ text. The summary is sha dat he is not doing again. He had done some deep thinking and decided to chill. Meanwhile me I have been noticing one scary lookin babe liking all his fb updates and even twice tagging him in pictures (Yes, I stalk like that, just like you). She went to QMUL too and she’s nowhere as hot as my friend.

One randomTanya/Shaniqua/Janice/Ebony/Aaliyah/Diamond/Jasmine looking black charcoal babe like that.

Lara cried a river  the atlantic till June oh then started tellin us how he was even a jerk oh and how she had lost money around him like twice and how he had managed to ‘forget his wallet’ once in a while when they went shopping. She even said she suspected the babe who cleaned his flat in Abuja was doing more than that, amidst many horrible stories. Ah ! Babe and you were waiting for proposal!

‘thislagosgirl, you will never understand’ she told me

‘Please make me’. She just shook her head and didn’t say more.

Since then Lara has been avoiding men like the plague until two Fridays ago when she went for Sisters with soul abi wetin be dat Mary J. Blige concert sef. Yours truly did not go. I am not in that feminist, men-are-the-devil phase abeg. Also salary never enter so I have to behave. She met this Tony guy (were there guys at that show?) there and never got off the phone afterwards.

On Sunday night, outside Ikeja Shoprite(yes oh, that public car park), Tony wozed her a hot slap after just one week. I was so pissed. Me I don’t even just like the Tony.

‘What do you do Tony ?’

‘I’m an independent producer’, he said smugly, twisting his goatee. Mschewww

‘What does that mean?’

‘I produce here and there’. Please what is that?

‘I see. So where do you stay?’I continued, ignoring the daggers in Lara’s eyes.

‘Around Gbagada’

‘Where exactly?’

‘Charly Boy Area’

‘Huh?’ aproko me would have figured out the truth if Lara hadn’t cut me off oh. Now he is slapping her. Rubbish.

Five minutes ago, I sent Lara a message on whatsapp asking  her not to forget to bring my beads to church tonight and she replied that she was going for karaoke with Tony . Na wa ! I sharply went into the bathroom to call her and trust me, I should have saved my credit.

I know this is an over flogged issue but us girls sha, there’s just no stopping us when it comes to these horrible guys. Ergo the question from time immemorial ,

WHY DO GOOD GIRLS LIKE BAD GUYS?

Remember this same ‘Bad Guy P’ syndrome made Satan give Eve the apple before she became bad. She was still a good girl na, don’t you remember? I’m sure if it was Adam the good boy she won’t have taken it.

Anyways there are so many theories

·        Jerks have some good qualities too so girls rationalize away the bad parts and see only the good(especially if he’s cute)

·        Nice guys are boring and predictable

·        Most bad guys are hot (and they know it. That’s why they turn bad in the first place)

·        The bad ones are more secure and mysterious. Confident too. Plus they unleash your inner bad girl and get your juices flowing.

Any more reasons ? Why the Bad Guy P? I thought it was old and only happened to teenage girls. Am I missing something? Please explain to me.

As for Lara, she’s definitely permanently on a bad guy P ……. And there’s no stopping her until Tony (I suspect that’s not his real name) beats her into a coma.

So any thoughts ?

NAME CHANGE

Hello All,

I do hope you are doing very well. Sorry about the name change oh. Its just that I just heard one really scary story about a blogger here in Lagos. Would love to tell you but the person it happened to will definitely read this so lips sealed.

But sha the summary of the story is that I want to make this as impersonal as possible. I'm not sure how well that would work out, seeing as I also plan to start posting very very frequently and would inevitably be spilling personal stuff. Lets wait and see.

Join me on this journey into my crazy, sometimes twisted imaginations.

Peace !!!!