CAN'T KEEP LEGS CLOSED ?

Hahahahahaha hehehehe hohohohoho you guys are just horrible. So you wee stee read dis one. Issorai !

 I’m just laughing as I’m typing this post. I see it being my most viewed post with this title . Someborri shout Hallelujah !!!

Ok it’s very obvious I don’t have anytin to blog about but as a sharp Lagos geh, I go ruff am. At all at all na im bad pass.

I have to warn you though. This is the silliest post eva. My way of passing the remaining thirteen or so minutes before closing. Also I may be tipsy (shhhhh boss is coming)

So I recently read that somewhere in Mexico, a 25 year old babe (dat shoulda been young and sharp oh), has been dating a 40 year old farmer. Every morning before going to his farm, for fear that she would cheat, he would put this makeshift chastity belt/padlock on her and go out. This had been going on for 12 years. Yes oh! Since she was 13. Until sometime in September when she was in so much pain and could not use the toilet but was still too afraid to cut her pants open. Dat was wen d mumu went to report to the authorities. (May God not give us slow sheedren). They found the man and he gladly brandished the keys in the face of the policemen (okay that brandishing part was for effect).

As expected she refused to press charges and they went back home to live happily ever after.  He promised not to do it again. When I read that part I jus yimud mehn. Yes,  to yimu is a verb

I yimu

You yimu

He/She yimus

We yim(note that the u is silent here ) lol

They yim etc etc

Sorry I digress. This is not a french class. But how did this happen? Is this how she has only been going to the ladies only morning and night for the past twelve years? What kind of life is that? Where were her parents? Why didn’t it look odd to her? Why did she have a 28 year old boyfriend when she was 13? Didn’t anyone notice? Does she not have friends or siblings ? Or is it that she has and they are all locked up in similar belts ? Why hasn’t the man married her after twelve years? No engagement ring sef . Ah ah!!! Some people will roast in hell oh. That Agbaya.

Anyway after reading that, I started to read about all them medieval times, what chastity belts looked like and how they worked  (Although I think the one in this particular case was just a padlock he used to lock the chickens on his farm but you get my drift sha )

Aside the fact that they were made of heavy metal they are actually cute and of course useful. If you use one, you go no say notin notin. You needn’t bother about the extra expenses of having him/her followed or the stress of looking through his/ her messages or the fear of jazz backfiring if you decide instead to visit a babalawo. Therefore I am working on having some made. In these days of modernity, social media, career women and travelling men, what better way to secure your love interest and not watch someborri come and eat your investment.

These ones will be cute and simple. Made of some special kind of plastic but the locks will be extra strong. Trust me they won’t be uncomfortable and there will still be allowance for you to do your business if you have to. I am also thinking of making them in colours and flavours.

If you are still reading this rubbish by this time, you probably need one.

If :

1.       You are insecure about your significant other or even yourself(ie you are eyeing someone else)

2.       You are in a LDR (including where one person lives on the Island and the other on the mainland)

3.       On a scale of 1 to 10 either of you is at least a 4 (belt should be bought for said 4)

4.       You argue more than once quarterly

5.       You do not make the same salary

6.       Your partner’s parents do not seem to like you

7.       You do not live together

So please make your orders. Send ur US sizes and lets do this. Free delivery during the yuletide.

Ok if you are not tired of reading rubbish me I’m tired of typing it. So I’m out.

By the way Sean Penn and his family (nuclear and extended alike), friends and foes have been buzzing my phone like crazy. OMG! I really do not know what to do about his matter. That me that used to tolerate is dead and goneeee dead and gone.

Oh and are there really ‘Go and die’ Tee shirts? Nigerians are jus wrong mehnnnn

Take care sweethearts. Thanks to the people checking even though I post once a month. And those two people I exchanged emails with in the course of the week.

Have yourselves a lovely weekend people

Xoxo.