Thursday, June 19, 2014


I’ve been away for a long time and I’m coming back with this sad and kinda off post. I’m tempted to apologize for that but I won’t.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently: about myself, my life, my career, my future. I have recently come under pressure I am sure I won’t have survived through a year or two ago. I have survived, yes but I have discovered myself in a new light, which sadly is negative.

I have found recently that I am not as near perfect as I thought I was. Not even close to halfway. I have given up on trying to please everyone. I have changed. Or maybe all the recent pressure is truly bringing out the real me.
I am not as kind as I used to be. I have developed audacity. I have said “I don’t give a damn” a lot and I have meant it every single time. I have said it calmly, to myself, not in a fit of rage or during an outburst.

I have been under a lot of stress. It doesn’t help that my boss drives me crazy a lot. I used to say I would work very hard and not expect any rewards. These days I still work hard but once my boss sends me a crazy text message or her characteristic vicious e-mail after work hours, I am done for the day. I tell myself it’s extra time which she doesn’t deserve and the least she can do is not have a scathing remark. She doesn’t have to say thank you but she should not send a five pager text message full of exclamation marks!!! I won’t apologize for my opinion that women are a lot more difficult than men. If it’s that urgent and has serious consequences, why do you still have five minutes to rant and give a long speech which at the end of the day would not include a solution to the problem????

These days I give less. Maybe I save more but I have become even more selfish. I tell myself I am broke and every penny counts. This morning I thought about it as I walked past whilst fund raising was going on for a 15 year old cancer patient. I did not give a dime. I stopped and thought of what God would think of me. Then I thought of how the month is only halfway gone and I have bills. And I calmly walked on.

So this Lacey Spears issue pushed me to do a post. Not sure why I can’t get it out of my head. What I’m about to say is very wrong and might get me horrible comments but I do believe she murdered her son (my conclusion has nothing to do with her stoicism and her turning herself in) but then who am I to judge? What do I know about her life? Isn’t mine also full of imperfections? How much can I really take?

My friends tell me time and again that I have no motherly instincts. I’d make a fabulous wife and pamper my husband, but my kids would have a different opinion. Maybe that’s why I believe someone killed her son and still don’t have any negative comments for her. I doubt I’d be able to deal with a sick kid. I have a neighbor with a troublesome kid who wakes me up every morning and there are times when I yell so much when he’s yelling too. If he were mine, I’d have beaten him so much, probably tied his mouth so I can have peace. I can’t deal with troublesome kids. A sick one makes it worse. I am impatient. Would I eventually soften up when the kid is mine? Or would I remain Stone Cold Steve Austin?

I am far from perfect but I was never so bad. I’m not sure when I changed but I’m sure I did. I don’t like the changes but I don’t seem to be trying to do anything about them. I have simply been justifying myself. I have created, nay, become a monster.

Oh yes, I have been absent. The plan was to leave without saying goodbye ……………….. To avoid the emotions that come with finality, to avoid the cliche “I no longer want to blog/All good things come to an end/I have to move on with my life” post. But then I signed in this morning and read some posts: Toin’s toaster, T-notes finding love, Lady Ngo’s crushes which have all been the subject of my affections at some point (save for 50) and I just realized how much I’ve missed.

I smiled, softened up, and then I started to leave comments. I realized without a doubt - My break has come to an end.

Much love

P.S. I always type and post in minutes. I never read over, not even during exams. Ignore errors if any.


  1. Thank God you didn't stop blogging. Take a break when you need to. I took an indefinite break too but decided to blog today because of a post i read. I actually got a mail that i had been away since May 15 (hangs head in shame)

    Now, don't be too hard on yourself. I am selfish sometimes only because i realise i cannot help everybody. It's ok if you think of yourself first. As for Lacey Spears, i haven't been following the case so i can't say anything about it.

    Lastly, no one is perfect *big hug*

    P.S: Loved your comments. I def thin we'll have lots of fun together :D (& Yea, i can be major mean when it's called for)

  2. And this honest to goodness post is just exactly the one's that make staying on here worth the while. And I'm really not concerned if you've gone and metamorphosed into the grinch that stole xmas, hanukkah and easter, the fact that you can honestly and fluidly put down your thoughts on the matter, makes me irresponsibly think you're perfect just like that!

    Btw, what's the status with your disgraceful catching feelings at work situation?

  3. hmmmmmmm...
    It does get to that point when you've taken enough and just don't give a toss anymore.
    Sweetheart, just do you. Whatever gives you peace of mind and lets you sleep at night.

  4. Welcome back my darling. i'm sure you've not become a monster. Sometimes in life we just get tired. And thats ok. No one can be perfect and happy and accommodating all the time. Sometimes we just gotta free the beast inside (so to speak) and let the chips land where they fall. Its better to let out whatever you may have been bottling up than to continue to let it fester and grow into something far worse.
    *ok, lemme take of my Iyanla Vanzant-Oprah-Dr Phil hat* lol

  5. I love the honesty in this whatever lets you sleep at night.

  6. ...and for even attempting to write this post; you just killed the monster. its different when youve changed and have no idea you have but when you are conscious of your change, you will find yourself making sub-conscious effort to better yourself. all in all first time on your blog and your honesty is what makes blogging worth the while.

  7. Babe, thanks so much for your comment on my blog! :* . You were missed! What happened to your BBM eh? Got me worried there. Please, don't close your blog!!!

    1. Sweetiem, it will never happen again. pls mail me As for my bbm, they are following that phone from its village, so I changed it. Mail me hun

  8. And please, we all go through funks once in a while. Hang in there, know that this too shall pass and you'll be better in the end *hugs*.

  9. *biggest and tightest hug ever* You'll be ok. So Glad that you are back :)

    nominated you for a Liebster award.

    Hope you'll find the time to post a reply *bats eyelashes*

  10. Hiya, I nominated you for the Liebster blog award. I'll be delighted if you 'receive' it :)

    1. Accepted my darling. Post up already. Will do another shortly. Mwahhhhh

  11. I left a comment a while back. Please come out, wherever you are.

  12. Blogger is full of bad people oh ehn ? Yall are happy I've become a Missed u all.


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