The 20s tag

Emmmmm so I did something like this about a year, a month and a week ago ,week ago. Smh. Emmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm okays not exactly but sha I did it. That one sef was 42. And before you say it was a different topic, random questions require random answers. Random answers = random facts. Facts albeit random remain facts. Therefore the alternate title would have been 42 facts about me.  If youre feeling me say uh huh uh huh. Brethren without further ado shekirrout HIA.

Anyways there’s really nothing new cos I haven’t changed much since then. Whoever said progress was a slow process was definitely talking about me. But I now have to start booting my brain to think of what to write. My ups was already dusty sef. However its for TOINLICIOUS, how dare I say nay? So I’ma try find 20 things that are not already among the 42. But anywhere I stop you go know say I don try.

1. I love Shawarma. Emmm I know you will say it’s in the other post but common seriously. Shawarma is new every morning. I loved it a year ago. I love it now. I really do hope you comprehend my “deepness” and you’re not just nodding for nodding sake. Good!
2.  I am gap toothed and I really don’t like it.
3.  I hate phony accents. In my office we have cause to deal with a lot of non-Nigerians and I see people do that crap a lot. I call it the “Australian accent”. Yes it’s incorrect and yes you can read whatever bloody bigoted meaning you choose to read into it, it’s just my way of making fun of those people that put so much effort into making fools of themselves.
4.  I type really fast without looking on any device whatsoever.
5.  I do so many things at once. Right now I’m learning two new skills and taking a professional course, in addition to my 9 to 5.
6. I never read over. Not blogposts. Not essays. Not exams. It just feels like a lot of stress. And I know it’s a really bad habit.
7.   I’m generally very quiet. Sometimes way too much for my liking. I just feel more comfy writing/ typing. So yeah I’m quiet and polite while you’re forming random gist in front of my table but I’m composing an e-mail on the information you have refused to share with me, copying your immediate superior.
8.   I do not like gossip. No disrespect but if all you read is gossip “blogs” we kennot connect.
9. I always paint my left nails first. I figure to do the easier one first. Then I stretch my back and change positions before I paint the right with my shaky left hand.
10.  I take my bath with warm water. Sometimes however I am in a hurry and decide grudgingly to use cold water. Sadly, I have to mentally prepare myself first, a process which usually takes more time than heating water would have taken.
11.  Most of the time, I eat half of my meat in the middle of the meal and leave the other half till the end.
12.  My insomnia is on another level. It’s actually worrisome.
13.  Once every year I get this random urge to sleep. And when it comes I sleep. And sleep. And sleep some more. I sleep. For Africa. And Asia. And probably the Middle East.
14.  My favorite post on my blog is my Hiv Story.  PART 1 and PART 2. Typed both within 18 minutes immediately after that stuff happened. Speaking of which I’m long overdue for another HIV test.
15. The final random thing about me is I am random. I say the randomest things with a straight face. People just look at me like what is this girl’s problem?

I’m done!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please wiarris Mylove sweetie reply me ooohhhhhhh.

I tag Cee, LadyNgo, Efua, Jdb, Oyin, Missytees, Dobbys, Livelytwist, Ysincerely, Chictherapy, Mstizzle, LadyG, and Morounkeji, 

If I havent tagged you please tag yourself and express yourself. If you have already done your own post you can ignore. And if you don't feel up to it, don't feel bad. See it as a shoutout.

Much love people.

xoxo 

STUPID LOVE AND OTHER DESULTORY TALES

I think my issue these days is that work stress has considerably reduced. Things got so busy I did not have anything close to a life any more. And so with us having a lull and my boss on leave, I have suddenly realized how much time I have on my hands. And really I think I’d rather just go back to my workaholic life when there was no balance. The biggest of my worries now is what people do with free time. I have absolutely no idea how to handle it. Do I read? Write a book? Jump? Jog? Have sex? Volunteer?

And what happens when I finish that activity and there’s more time left  ??????

ON A MORE SERIOUS NOTE

I am loving the wrong boy right now. I was so sure this would never happen to me again, but here I am, acting like a teenager and finding it hard to ignore the red light on my phone. How do you run away from something that is in your head?

Chai to think I was so sure I was done with this crap. Rme. Honestly anybody have any ideas on how to get over somebody? This crap is really bothering me.  I need me some tough love mehnnn. Like Wiz Khalifa said, the worst feeling is pretending you don’t care about something, when really it’s all you seem to think about.

What happens when he’s all you can think about and he just don’t give a rat’s furry ass? What happens when he’s your Prince Charming, and you’re not his Cinderella?

WHEN DA TABLES TURN

So yeah we have this tenant dude that is always always always beating his wife. There’s always some fight or the other. They’ve got kids who are used to watching all the fighting. The kids don’t even cry or do anything. They just find a quiet corner of some other room to play.

However on a fateful Sunday morning some weeks ago, the bush meat caught the hunter. We weren’t called until it got ugly but the eye witness version said that they had a fight earlier on Saturday but by evening things had started returning to normal (how does that work by the way?)Or so Mr. Man thought, because the creditor has a better memory than the debtor.

Anyhoo Sunday morning and they were all just chilling at home (I thought all Nigerian Christian families; normal or dysfunctional go to church on Sundays). Wifey says her two younger brothers would be visiting and so hubby does not look up when there’s a knock. The woman goes to open and these four hefty men barge in. She bolts the door and tucks the key in her bra as the guys approach her husband. Mr. looks up and begins to say “how may I help ……….” but a punch comes before the “you” and the eba and ogbono in his mouth goes flying in seven directions. (I know I said Sunday morning but that dude is just so huge and strong he has to be having eba for breakfast).

They then proceed to tie him up and beat him to a pulp, his wife inclusive. By this time, neighbours are outside banging the door but they all just carry on like they can’t even hear. Then the neighbours call the popo who eventually threatened to break down the door. They finally open and all escape. Rme. How??????? So the police arrest both man and wife and the kids cry as they watch their parents hurled into the rickety white pickup.

I heard they have put the incident behind them now. But I wonder - how does that kind of family function again? How do they go back and live like man and wife again? I do like that the woman shocked the guy though but for her to watch him till he bled? I dunno mehn.

Everyone gets their just deserts – or not?

Have so many random tales but this post is already getting way too long for me liking. I could type a continuation on a different post. Or pick up my phone and for the umpteenth time read through my love interest’s twitter timeline.

Where there is life diaris hope.

Much love

xoxo

LIEBSTER AWARD

So, my darling, Cee nominated me. Here are the answers to your Jamb Questions, SS3 stylee:

S/NO	QUESTION	ANSWER
1	What do you do?	I’m a lawyer
2	What kind of music are you into?	Almost everything, from Fuji to Rock, regardless of whether or not I speak the language.
3	What's one of the scariest things you've ever done?	I’d say stealing as a child. I never really had guts.
4	What do you do for fun?	Make noise and disturb people around me. Also I travel around the world at night.
5	Describe your blog with a phrase.	What am I really doing?
6	Do you like to plan things out in detail or spontaneous?	Spontaneous oh. Planning in detail?
7	What was your life like growing up?	Simple, I was well taken care of and much protected too. What Olamide would call “Awon omo get inside”
8	Who in your life has influenced you the most? How did they do it?	I’d say my parents, particularly my father. He taught me a lot of things, mostly without even saying them out loud. His struggle keeps me going.
9	What's your favourite joke?	None. See answer to question 1 above.
10	If you could try out any job for a day, what would you like to try?	Bounty hunter.
11	If someone asked you to give them a random piece of advice, what would you say?	I would advice you to be more specific about the advice you need.

Is it over already? I’m tempted to add my own questions. I realise the table was just annoying, but it obviously didn’t stop you from reading. *tongue out*. Plus by now you oughtta know I’m far from normal. Although to be honest, after this whole presentation, I'm too tired to tag people with questions. I'ma do a fresh post soon. Peace. 

Love u Madamcee,

Xoxo.

I'M FRIENDS WITH THE MONSTER

I’ve been away for a long time and I’m coming back with this sad and kinda off post. I’m tempted to apologize for that but I won’t.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently: about myself, my life, my career, my future. I have recently come under pressure I am sure I won’t have survived through a year or two ago. I have survived, yes but I have discovered myself in a new light, which sadly is negative.

I have found recently that I am not as near perfect as I thought I was. Not even close to halfway. I have given up on trying to please everyone. I have changed. Or maybe all the recent pressure is truly bringing out the real me.

I am not as kind as I used to be. I have developed audacity. I have said “I don’t give a damn” a lot and I have meant it every single time. I have said it calmly, to myself, not in a fit of rage or during an outburst.

I have been under a lot of stress. It doesn’t help that my boss drives me crazy a lot. I used to say I would work very hard and not expect any rewards. These days I still work hard but once my boss sends me a crazy text message or her characteristic vicious e-mail after work hours, I am done for the day. I tell myself it’s extra time which she doesn’t deserve and the least she can do is not have a scathing remark. She doesn’t have to say thank you but she should not send a five pager text message full of exclamation marks!!! I won’t apologize for my opinion that women are a lot more difficult than men. If it’s that urgent and has serious consequences, why do you still have five minutes to rant and give a long speech which at the end of the day would not include a solution to the problem????

These days I give less. Maybe I save more but I have become even more selfish. I tell myself I am broke and every penny counts. This morning I thought about it as I walked past whilst fund raising was going on for a 15 year old cancer patient. I did not give a dime. I stopped and thought of what God would think of me. Then I thought of how the month is only halfway gone and I have bills. And I calmly walked on.

So this Lacey Spears issue pushed me to do a post. Not sure why I can’t get it out of my head. What I’m about to say is very wrong and might get me horrible comments but I do believe she murdered her son (my conclusion has nothing to do with her stoicism and her turning herself in) but then who am I to judge? What do I know about her life? Isn’t mine also full of imperfections? How much can I really take?

My friends tell me time and again that I have no motherly instincts. I’d make a fabulous wife and pamper my husband, but my kids would have a different opinion. Maybe that’s why I believe someone killed her son and still don’t have any negative comments for her. I doubt I’d be able to deal with a sick kid. I have a neighbor with a troublesome kid who wakes me up every morning and there are times when I yell so much when he’s yelling too. If he were mine, I’d have beaten him so much, probably tied his mouth so I can have peace. I can’t deal with troublesome kids. A sick one makes it worse. I am impatient. Would I eventually soften up when the kid is mine? Or would I remain Stone Cold Steve Austin?

I am far from perfect but I was never so bad. I’m not sure when I changed but I’m sure I did. I don’t like the changes but I don’t seem to be trying to do anything about them. I have simply been justifying myself. I have created, nay, become a monster.

Oh yes, I have been absent. The plan was to leave without saying goodbye ……………….. To avoid the emotions that come with finality, to avoid the cliche “I no longer want to blog/All good things come to an end/I have to move on with my life” post. But then I signed in this morning and read some posts: Toin’s toaster, T-notes finding love, Lady Ngo’s crushes which have all been the subject of my affections at some point (save for 50) and I just realized how much I’ve missed.

I smiled, softened up, and then I started to leave comments. I realized without a doubt - My break has come to an end.

Much love

xoxo

P.S. I always type and post in minutes. I never read over, not even during exams. Ignore errors if any.

WHAT'S HAPPENING ?

Long time no post abi ? Its work o! Best believe me, its work. This my office is stressful oh! And to think I was in a hurry to leave my old place. It is true what they say, that the cow that is in a hurry to go to America, will surely come back as corned beef.  Whenever I hear people say they work for their money I always yimu. But mehn now I just realised what that phrase means. I am stressed people. I am working hard. Eating more but losing weight.  Ha!!! It is well. The up side is that I no longer have to worry about the weight I was complaining about earlier. I never see work na why I dey fat. Right now mehn my office is my gym and my computer my treadmill.

Apologies for the tacky metaphor. Seeing as nothing is happening in my life outside work, I only have work gist for you. Hmmm so where do I start?

Our HR officer has gone and a new one has replaced her. This woulda made more sense if I had been updating regularly cos you’d understand why this is blogworthy. But let me summarise. The babe was just a sourpuss. She just hated me for no reason, and I her for good reason. Lol.

When I first got here six months ago, she was on leave so the head of HR gave me my induction and all the welcome crap. When she resumed she was very nasty to me and my colleague. She’d see me around and ask why I’m not on my seat.

“I checked on you since. It seems you have been on break for more than one hour” in her Yoruba accent. My colleague and I promptly nicknamed her “scarecrow”.

We’re not supposed to eat in the office so everytime she comes into our office, she makes noise about how she can smell imaginary food. One day she called my office extension and she kept yelling my name. I answered and she kept yelling. And I go “Yeah I can hear you”. So she says ‘how dare you say yeah to me’ and slams the phone. So my colleague asked what happened and I start to narrate. Meanwhile after slamming, this woman actually got up from her desk and started running towards my office. So I was still narrating the phone conversation to my colleague when she ran in, yelling how I need to be taught manners and ethics. How dare I say yeah blah blah. And I am actually talking about her and bad mouthing her after being rude etc.  All this in my first week. This babe was just my nightmare and was always looking to put me in trouble.

Sidenote: We’re actually on the same level. She is not my superior. And by virtue of category and salary, I earn more. She’s married though and has been there for close to a decade so I know she’s older. Sometimes my colleague and I say she’s probably frustrated and has reason to hate us.

So, you can imagine my joy and delight, brethren when Admin officer came in to announce that she would be leaving. Sad part was I had to donate money for her parting gift. But oh well, I did it. Gladly. Why do babes hate each other?

I don’t know why I have bad luck with H.R. though. The head of H.R. always complains about stuff but to my friend who is also in my department, never to me. On Friday my friend said he expressed displeasure about us opting out from one Staff Welfare stuff. The way the thing goes is that they deduct from your salary every month to fund a welfare account. The explanation is that they will keep it so people can get loans and also gifts when leaving. I did a quick mental calculation and thought that’s a lot of money and not a lot to spend it on. Also the mail came in with one voluminous pdf attachment which I just couldn’t be bothered to read plus as a rule I never borrow. I don’t see myself needing a loan. There’s been one or two extreme cases and at those times I just ask family. I don’t pay rent or have kids and I can’t borrow to buy gadgets or travel. I just feel it’s not responsible. Also the scheme doesn’t let u borrow more than you have put in. Anyways the important part is that it’s not compulsory so feel free to opt out otherwise the automatic deduction starts month end. Which I did. And dude has been mad ever since. Please I need honest answers. What have I done wrong?

One more office gist. We have this dispatch man who also just got replaced. If you see dis guy ehn ? Swaggu dripping. Always grumbling and never wanting to go on errands. Can complain for Africa. And his job is only to dispatch official mails and that’s only for those within Lagos. For those outside Lagos there’s someone else to go to DHL office. Anyhoo this guy always grumbles when I try send him out. And he’s so full of himself. Remember how I didn’t get the holidays off? I tried to send him on an errand on the 31^st and he refused saying he had to go to church for the 31^st night service which was to start by 4 pm!!!!!

Anyways we have this big client/sponsor and he was sent on an errand to their office. Meanwhile there were some of our other staff there already having a meeting. One of them was chargin his phone and this dispatch man proceeded to take the phone. Lol. And so when the guy noticed he lodged a complaint, not knowing that the ant that ate the vegetable is part of the vegetable. Lmao. Dispatch man was questioned and he denied and threatened. Not knowing he had been caught on camera. Dude was like 50 metres away from the phone. The camera showed the way his eyeballs bulged when he saw the phone at the other end of the long sofa. He then kept moving over slowly till he reached the other end and took it and promptly removed the battery. He was dismissed immediately and that was the end of Solomon Grundy.

The new man is friendly and humble. And all is well with the world. 

Thanks to the two people who checked. I am fine. Just been busy.

Much love

Xoxo

Oh and if you dare, add me on 75B33997

Have a pleasant week and forgive the typos and gbagauns. You know I hate reading over.

THE "MRS" RACE

Momc be driving me crazy right now.

So yeah I just had my birthday and that morning she came into my room very early praying all the prayers of life, this year marking a turning point in my life and God lifting me higher etc which don’t get me wrong I totally appreciate but then she goes on to say how I will have both male and female children. Ha!!! Again I am not against childbirth and all but just saying children like that. Has she paid a sperm donor ni or does she intend to jazz me?

Nigeria is not easy at all. Back in the day I used to have friends talk about how family members are constantly on their necks about marriage. Some I pity, some I think are exaggerating. To some, I say ignore them and don’t give a damn, while silently thanking God that I only have few nosy extended family members on my case at family functions.  Upon adding them to blocked list and changing my whatsapp number, I have majorly solved the problem.

I have read countless blogs by single girls going on about all the single issues and all the pressure and I have been of the school of thought that girls just blow things out of proportion and in most cases are too desperate. I have now seen the light. It is not easy to ignore. In fact it is very difficult. I am not 30 yet. But shout out to every girl above 30 who isn’t married yet.

Everyone around me is driving me nuts I tell you. A good number just believe you are not serious. Everyone just has their own beliefs and pre-conceived notions, not giving you a chance. My mom be getting revelation after revelation and prophecy after prophecy. There was this one pastor I used to call the whole of last year who used to give me prayer after prayer. He seemed like a nice guy and did not make any funny demands so I’m like, what the hell? Is it not to pray? That can’t hurt anybody. If he ever asks me to do anything funny and suspicious or anything that doesn’t sit well with my spirit then I’ll stop calling.

I kept calling under momc’s supervision though. She’d come into my room occasionally and say the guy said I no longer call. To be honest, I’ve had some really brutal experiences that until they happened to me, I’d only seen them in movies. I’ve had it really bad I tell you. But after the middle of last year all my ginger for guys totally died. Not like I’m totally a cynic now oh. Yes I’ve had that “all men are evil” stage too but I’ve totally outgrown it. I am at a phase now where I am just calm. If it happens, I’m thankful. If it doesn’t I still am thankful. Daily I see people who can’t feed. Who feed families with half what I earn. One woman and her son beg at the busstop when I go to work. Cancer of the face. I can’t begin to find the words to describe that face and God forgive me I doubt that he will make it. I have learnt to be thankful. I have been at a point where I was desperate and it only resulted in me being mistreated. What I’ll say about that in the end is that the guy kept giving me times when it would happen. And it hasn’t. It didn’t. Till last year ended. I did send the guy a token. And his reaction was not encouraging at all. Don’t want to go into details but that just started killing my spirit. God forgive me.

I have work issues and to some extent I’m grateful for some of the stress cos I don’t even get time to think about these things. I have a friend who was so desperate. She found someone. Four years now, no job, no kid, his family is killing her. She was best student in her set and moved into some rural area with this guy. I’m not trying to be mean but I’m just saying I can totally be calm. I have so much to be thankful for. But they just won’t let me. My aunties. My uncles. A few married friends. Have a family wedding in weeks. I am dreading it.

Main reason for this post is momc came into my room again this morning with some instructions. From yet another pastor. To start with fasting. And by tonight she wants to know when I intend to start the fast. Insists we'll do it together.For once I’m going to tell her to just let let me be. And stop reminding me. I’m not leprous. Just single. She needs to chill. And my aunts too.

This is the cycle - I’ll go along. And fast. And pray. And give him gifts. And time would pass. And nothing will happen. I have peace with myself. I need to enjoy it.

Can they all stop ????????????? Or am I overreacting ???? Have I lost my faith ?

Sorry for the lengthy post. There was no humor or nothing interesting I know but it’s a personal blog. Bear with me.

Enjoy the rest of your week.

Much love

Xoxo.

I'M REALLY SOWIEEEE

*in Drake's voice*


"Just hold on, I'm coming back"


#okbye

NEW YEAR, NO BREAK

Hello All,

I know I'm late but what the hell ?

Happy New Year everyone. How did the holidays go? From what I’ve been reading most people had a lot of fun and wayyy too much to eat. Mine wasn’t so fantastic. Only got the 25^th, 26^th and 1^st off work. So I was working viciously. I’d occasionally look through my phone and see posts and videos of people who, unlike me, have a life.

I also had malaria. Messed up timing. Apart from that it wasn’t so bad. Momc overfed me. I ran away from work every chance I got, got on skype every time I could and also watched a lot of movies. And as far as Christmas movies went, I totally enjoyed Madea Christmas. I also did love Best Man Holiday even though I was sure I wouldn’t. As for Black Nativity, I wish I had bought the DVD in traffic or better still watched it at a friend’s house.

Nuff said. What are your resolutions by the way? I notice everyone seems to be obsessed with weight loss these days. Na una sabi. Me I can’t even resist food. Everybody knows. I also notice Atilola’s post has been touching people’s hearts. Nice stuff. Good to read from peeps who have been on break for lightyears.

I’d promised myself I would not do a post about ‘break’. Apart from the fact that almost everyone has written on it, really, why bother?

But then I remember my old boyfriend back in school. Choi that guy suffered on top break matter oh. Break was his official punishment upon four strikes. If I say ‘Call me at ten’, 10.05 is okay. 10:10, not cool and that is strike one. More serious offences like buying shawarma at Akoka instead of going to Finicky would be a double strike. Upon four strikes, we would definitely go on break I kid you not. Of course, I didn’t ever spell it out. It was an unspoken rule and I followed it to the letter.

I don’t remember how many breaks we had in the whole course of the relationship. Despite everything, he still kept misbehaving and striking, thus necessitating more and more breaks. I was just a young, stubborn and unreasonable teenager.

That was years ago when breaks meant a time for the breaker to actually get a break, sulk and bask in getting the apologies, bribes and the high that came with being the controlling party while for the breakee, it was a period for humility and sober reflection on sins committed, a period to abstain from food,drink and worldly pleasures, to put on sackcloth and be covered in ashes, all the while awaiting a revelation on how best to appease the breaker.

If you ever did this, I hope you now know that the meaning of the word ‘break’ has changed. If you are engaged to a guy, sit down and talk things out. Do not take any nonsense break. Not even for 24 hours. If you do, you will realize rather late that in that time an offspring can be conceived and before you say Pete Edochie, your dream of bearing the heir apparent will come crashing like a Dana plane. Why would you invest for years and your child will now be the second child? Please be wise. When you are breathing fire and he calls your bluff, you bera have a rethink. Our people say when a mouse laughs at the cat, it is because there is a hole nearby.

And I think these breaks are even worse than breakups. When I get out of a relationship, I go through all the phases and a few extra (and I imagine most people do as well). It takes a couple of months to move on but I guess once it’s a break, a three day period is more than enough. Scary stuff!!! Omo na to dey behave myself oh because I still plan to hook an American celebrity.

And yes people, keep up the writing this year. People like me are always at work and your posts are a few of my favourite things. How else would I stay sane?

Have a fabulous year!!! Love y’all much.

xoxo